I have always been different. I for as long as I could remember liked things that a grown woman should have long out grown. I enjoy picking on the men I was with, singing, dancing around the house. I love books and crafts. I had quite an extensive collection of stuffed animals. I happen to love video games, I could play for hours. I happened to love cartoons and Disney movies. I have a bad habit of sucking my thumb. I was often told by my ex to "grow the fuck up" "You play to fucking much" "What's wrong with you" and my personal favorite "you're so fucking annoying"
For years I really thought there was something wrong with me. So I just stopped. I got rid of my stuffed animals. I stopped singing and dancing. I didn't play any more. I did not make things as often as I did. Gaming and books gave me peace so I kept those in my life despite constant ridicule for such hobbies. Mostly, I just felt depressed if anything at all. It is very difficult to stifle a part of yourself, especially the part of you that you need to feel happy, or anything at all for that matter. As an abused child I did not have a childhood at all. Something was always missing.
Many sad, lonely years later. I am standing in front of a man and I am doing what he refers to as my happy bounce. And he smiles at how happy I am. I playfully tease him as he tried to grab me. I back away from his reach and he smirks as he takes a step towards me. I squeal and run laughing through the house and he chases me. I am laughing and giggling the whole time till he grabs me and picks me up. "What a naughty girl running away from Daddy"
I am overly worried about being annoying, I need him to tell me often that I am not. I find it terrifying and refreshing at the same time that he just loves me for me. He does not mind buying me stuffed animals, he plays games with me. He loves that I sing and dance. He looks forward to it. Climb on him like a spider monkey and chew on him when I want attention. Never once has he said I was annoying or seemed annoyed by me.
One day he sends me an article, and as I read it I learn that I am a Middle/Brat. I like to color and do crafts, Daddy and I watch Disney movies, I like to tease Daddy and play, I like my little stuffed animals and trinkets, I bounce, sing, and dance. I pout an am sassy when I want Funishment or attention. I know what I am now. I am a Brat, and I have a Daddy who loves me. Even when I am a Sassy pants or a snappy turtle.
I do not feel out of place or alone anymore, but I did start to wonder what if others find out that I am a 30 something that loves stuffed animals, and being chased by Daddy? What if they find out about Daddy? Will they think badly of him? I can't have that. Together we decided that we don't care what people think. We live our lives privately and have not had an issue with anyone finding out. If we did, it wouldn't matter. Is having a kink the worse thing I could be, or do? Worse than lying, stealing, hurting people. The fact that Enjoy spankings does not make me less of a boss, mother, friend, lover. If anything, I am healthier and happier than I ever have been.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
Thursday, April 27, 2017
How you know he will be a good Dom.
I think before I knew I was a little, I knew my Jack would be a good Daddy. I did not know what aftercare was. Then again I did not know what Daddy's and Littles were. However, I know that all along there were signs that he was a good and caring man. Ready for a trip down memory lane? The first time Daddy and I were together was a whirlwind of emotions I'd like to say for both of us. I know it was for me.
So how did I know. Well first thing that struck me was he was very concerned about my needs. He constantly checked on me to make sure I was having a good time and okay. This was not something I was used to. I came from a place where "I'm done, you're welcome" was the standard. So to have a man that was not just concerned with himself, just floored me.
The next time we were together was the same. (honestly that the standard for us now) He added additional cuddles, then he took me to the bathroom and gave be a shower. He washed my hair, he washed my body, he dried me, and redressed me. He asked questions on how he could improve. He listened to feed back and gave it. Whenever, I have told him about a need he meets it without question.
Now that I have the information I have I look back and realize I knew then he would be a good Dom. Somethings to look for, or strive for.
So how did I know. Well first thing that struck me was he was very concerned about my needs. He constantly checked on me to make sure I was having a good time and okay. This was not something I was used to. I came from a place where "I'm done, you're welcome" was the standard. So to have a man that was not just concerned with himself, just floored me.
The next time we were together was the same. (honestly that the standard for us now) He added additional cuddles, then he took me to the bathroom and gave be a shower. He washed my hair, he washed my body, he dried me, and redressed me. He asked questions on how he could improve. He listened to feed back and gave it. Whenever, I have told him about a need he meets it without question.
Now that I have the information I have I look back and realize I knew then he would be a good Dom. Somethings to look for, or strive for.
- He's not thinking about his wants and needs, because he fulfilling mine. Not that his aren't important. He gets a great deal of personal satisfaction from making me happy, and I him.
- He wants feedback afterwards. Good Doms know communication is very important, as are listening skills.
- He is always looking for a way to make it better.
- He makes sure all your needs are met including emotional, mental, physical.
- Aftercare, is completed and successful. More often than not we see aftercare that is what the Dom thinks the submissive needs, and not based on what the actual needs are. In example, Daddy is a bit of a machine so at times we can be active for 45 mins- 1 hour of difficult (four lotus rating karma sutra) positions. Not to mention having multiple orgasms it the equivalent of crunches (I'm not complaining) So more often than not, my body still feels Daddy after he's gone. He makes sure I have a hot bath, or shower. That I eat and drink. Last week he had to put my back in ;). He gives me massages. He makes sure it's what I need to return to baseline.
- He makes sure you're in the right space before hand. There is nothing worse than running a scene when your not in the right head space.
- He uses "We" and not "I" if he is always telling you what he wants, and your going to do that might be a red flag.
- He understands and respects boundries, and hard limits. A good Dom is never pissed at you for saying "no".
- He encourages you to grow, and be the best you!
- You're just as important to him outside the bedroom. This is important and many people forget. How he treats you outside of a scene is as important as hw he treats you in.
<3 Sally
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Life is short,take the picture, make a video ;P
If you would have told me two years ago I would be the kind of woman that regularly sends pictures and videos to her man, I would have said you were out of your mind! What kind of woman does that? Well this kind of woman does. So lets be perfectly clear. In my thirty plus years on this earth I had never send a man a picture that would fall under the category of nude, dirty, naughty, or sexy. I was never with a man I felt needed or deserved them. I also did not trust them enough to not rage post them to the internet. So this is where I do my duty as your friend Sally to put this disclaimer out. Do not send picture to people you have met online, or people you don't trust!
So Daddy and I were seeing each other for a bit. One night we are having some phone sex, and I say something about how wet he has made me. He's reply, "I want to see send me a picture" Oh dear, I have no experience, where to I start? So I snap a picture and I look at it. My first thought is does it really look like that, why does he want to see that?? To be sure it looks normal I google Vagina for reference, I immediately regret that decision and determine that some women should not put their vagina on the internet. Just saying. Anyway, I want to get it right so I put on my porn director hat.
I want miss kitty to look purrfect. So I decide on a classy shot with my fingers in it, (the picture not the kitty) and I snap another photo. Dear god my nails are jacked up....Ugh...delete....quick paint my nails...try again. So I think I have it now, while my nails are drying I again google some ideas for pictures. I want something classy. So nails on point, check, a few moisturing spritz to the kitty, check, position that is flattering, check and click.....I wonder what that would look like in black and white. As crazy as this seems, I know there are other women that have done the same thing.
So 25 minutes later I hit send, and while he appreciates the picture he points out the moment is over. Well shit. All that prep work for nothing? Yes, exactly. All that prep work was unnecessary he wanted to see the moment not sheer perfection. Later, I was thinking to myself do you think guys put that much thought into a dick pic? No, it's hard, click, you're welcome bitch! I can't imagine a guy, holding his hard dick in his hand thinking "OMG is that a callous, I need to edit that out.
Women want it to be perfect, I am not sure why. Ever watch a porn? People look at those kitties and they are in rough shape! Any way, a few days later I was faced with a challenge that pushed me to just face reality. I was away for several days at a conference for work. In the middle of a training I was given instruction to excuse myself to the ladies room and send Daddy a picture of "his kitty" who am I to argue with Daddy? This time I didn't overthink I lifted my dress, and snapped his picture and hit send. I was rewarded with "Sexy" what every one wants to hear.
A week or so later I wanted to surprise Daddy and I made him a video, I used some of our favorite props, and just let go. I am proud to say a few years later he still has it. I have learned to play with lighting, use stands, and just let go. We worry to much. This person sees you naked, they know what your intimate parts look like, they have seen your "O" face. A video is no different. If you are nervous start small. Start with a picture, or a short video. I also recommend you watch it as it can be a confidence booster.
Which brings me to the next topic couples videos. These work wonders for self esteem, and confidence. The first video Daddy and I ever made was because he wanted to show me what he got to hear and see while we were in the reverse cowgirl position. I struggle with how noisy I feel I am. I have body image issues because I used to be very over weight. So he recorded while I did my thing, then we watched it together. Ladies and gentlemen I'm a fucking porn star. I mean I was turning myself on. More recently we made one because Daddy wanted to see my face when he hits it from behind. First let me say, put the camera in front of you and neither of you will have body image issues.
The angle was awesome, and Daddy looked sexy as fuck doing his thing. I on the other hand have "This is the 4th time this evening I've been banged" hair, and a red flustered face. As we watch it I point out if I was a real porn star my hair would be perfect and make-up on point. Daddy is quick to tell me that's why he doesn't like the fake porn, that's not what it's like in real life. You're sweaty, you're red faced, you're out of breath. Sometimes your porno moans sound more like a goat begging for food. Sometimes you say things and they don't make sense. That's okay because it is real. Make it. Watch it. Complement each other. Delete it (or save that's none of my business)
The moral of the story is life is too short to be anything but wild, crazy for each other, and happy. Take pictures lots of them. Make videos. Learn from them, gain confidence. Be naughty, take a chance, try something out of your comfort zone. Besides who doesn't like to watch <3 Sally
So Daddy and I were seeing each other for a bit. One night we are having some phone sex, and I say something about how wet he has made me. He's reply, "I want to see send me a picture" Oh dear, I have no experience, where to I start? So I snap a picture and I look at it. My first thought is does it really look like that, why does he want to see that?? To be sure it looks normal I google Vagina for reference, I immediately regret that decision and determine that some women should not put their vagina on the internet. Just saying. Anyway, I want to get it right so I put on my porn director hat.
I want miss kitty to look purrfect. So I decide on a classy shot with my fingers in it, (the picture not the kitty) and I snap another photo. Dear god my nails are jacked up....Ugh...delete....quick paint my nails...try again. So I think I have it now, while my nails are drying I again google some ideas for pictures. I want something classy. So nails on point, check, a few moisturing spritz to the kitty, check, position that is flattering, check and click.....I wonder what that would look like in black and white. As crazy as this seems, I know there are other women that have done the same thing.
So 25 minutes later I hit send, and while he appreciates the picture he points out the moment is over. Well shit. All that prep work for nothing? Yes, exactly. All that prep work was unnecessary he wanted to see the moment not sheer perfection. Later, I was thinking to myself do you think guys put that much thought into a dick pic? No, it's hard, click, you're welcome bitch! I can't imagine a guy, holding his hard dick in his hand thinking "OMG is that a callous, I need to edit that out.
Women want it to be perfect, I am not sure why. Ever watch a porn? People look at those kitties and they are in rough shape! Any way, a few days later I was faced with a challenge that pushed me to just face reality. I was away for several days at a conference for work. In the middle of a training I was given instruction to excuse myself to the ladies room and send Daddy a picture of "his kitty" who am I to argue with Daddy? This time I didn't overthink I lifted my dress, and snapped his picture and hit send. I was rewarded with "Sexy" what every one wants to hear.
A week or so later I wanted to surprise Daddy and I made him a video, I used some of our favorite props, and just let go. I am proud to say a few years later he still has it. I have learned to play with lighting, use stands, and just let go. We worry to much. This person sees you naked, they know what your intimate parts look like, they have seen your "O" face. A video is no different. If you are nervous start small. Start with a picture, or a short video. I also recommend you watch it as it can be a confidence booster.
Which brings me to the next topic couples videos. These work wonders for self esteem, and confidence. The first video Daddy and I ever made was because he wanted to show me what he got to hear and see while we were in the reverse cowgirl position. I struggle with how noisy I feel I am. I have body image issues because I used to be very over weight. So he recorded while I did my thing, then we watched it together. Ladies and gentlemen I'm a fucking porn star. I mean I was turning myself on. More recently we made one because Daddy wanted to see my face when he hits it from behind. First let me say, put the camera in front of you and neither of you will have body image issues.
The angle was awesome, and Daddy looked sexy as fuck doing his thing. I on the other hand have "This is the 4th time this evening I've been banged" hair, and a red flustered face. As we watch it I point out if I was a real porn star my hair would be perfect and make-up on point. Daddy is quick to tell me that's why he doesn't like the fake porn, that's not what it's like in real life. You're sweaty, you're red faced, you're out of breath. Sometimes your porno moans sound more like a goat begging for food. Sometimes you say things and they don't make sense. That's okay because it is real. Make it. Watch it. Complement each other. Delete it (or save that's none of my business)
The moral of the story is life is too short to be anything but wild, crazy for each other, and happy. Take pictures lots of them. Make videos. Learn from them, gain confidence. Be naughty, take a chance, try something out of your comfort zone. Besides who doesn't like to watch <3 Sally
Sally finds a kink.
I was just hanging out minding my own business when Daddy walked past and gave me a full force crack on my ass. I let out a yelp and a shudder. I literally felt like a volt of electricity running through my body. I remember thinking that is weird. I had never had that happen before. Daddy, of course picked up on it right away. He said to me, "you have a spanking fetish" I blew it off and told him that I didn't think that was accurate. Later that night I know I definitely wrestled with the idea. Do I like it? How weird is it that, I a person who had been abused my whole life now enjoys a good slap on the ass? I shrugged it off, after all maybe it was more of fluke? Maybe, it was just the idea of being touched by him that did it.
Daddy as always has been more than eager to test my boundaries and push me to accept new things. Especially, when I am having a hard time admitting that I like something. I have long struggled with guilt when it comes to sex, or anything that brings me pleasure. It's as if I need to continuously punish myself because I feel I don't deserve good things. Besides that I am a good Catholic girl and good Catholic girls do not like spankings. I digress.
A few days later I am talking to Daddy and he tells me "tonight I'm going to put you over my knee and spank you, and your going to masturbate while I do it!" The dirty school girl in me clapped her hands a squealed with glee, and my nun standing behind her with the ruler was frowning in disapproval. I told Daddy, that's weird! Daddy goes full on challenge accepted.
Sure enough later that night I'm walking past him he grabs me, throws me over his knee, and pulls my panties down. He tells me to diddle my skittles ;P and with in the first few seconds he lays a respectable crack across my ass cheek. That same tingle surges through my body. He then does the same on the other cheek, and it is pure bliss. Now, I would like to tell you that I am one of those respectable ladies, who took her time and denied her self gratification. However, I'm not going to lie to you. The 6th smack done me in. Daddy sat me up and smiled, he said "you like spankings its your kink."
I think like anyone else I wrestled with the idea of liking something that is not meant to bring you pleasure. Daddy means business when he hands out a spanking, and on my sassiest days he becomes the Ike Turner of ass slaps. I love every stinging moment of it. I am at the point now where I am comfortable saying that I have a spanking kink. Many people struggle with accepting who they are and what they like. There are many reasons behind it. Past trauma, religion, social stigma, guilt, or and overwhelming fear you're just not normal.
I struggled with a lot of these feelings. I was hit all my life, now it gives me orgasms what the fuck? I came to the conclusion that it is not the act as much as it is the feeling, or the release. I had pain attached to love, kindness, and consideration. I needed that. He was not trying to hurt me out of evil or spite. Because it was him I felt safe, and I was able to attach good feelings to pain and orgasms. This had always been a struggle for me. Having one orgasm was a miracle in the past, and I always felt bad about it because My first introduction into sex was as punishment.
I never had a person who was more than eager to meet my needs, and emotionally support me after. It was very freeing, and a complete show of trust and commitment to Daddy on my part. I am sure if another man had tried that it wouldn't have turned out so well. However, we talked before, he checked on me during, and we talked after. He assured me there was nothing wrong with me and he liked it too.
I have enjoyed my spankings since that day. We have tried a variety of things, but Daddy and I prefer his hand. I like the skin on skin contact. Daddy doesn't like any thing that marks his baby up <3 I am okay with that.
Daddy as always has been more than eager to test my boundaries and push me to accept new things. Especially, when I am having a hard time admitting that I like something. I have long struggled with guilt when it comes to sex, or anything that brings me pleasure. It's as if I need to continuously punish myself because I feel I don't deserve good things. Besides that I am a good Catholic girl and good Catholic girls do not like spankings. I digress.
A few days later I am talking to Daddy and he tells me "tonight I'm going to put you over my knee and spank you, and your going to masturbate while I do it!" The dirty school girl in me clapped her hands a squealed with glee, and my nun standing behind her with the ruler was frowning in disapproval. I told Daddy, that's weird! Daddy goes full on challenge accepted.
Sure enough later that night I'm walking past him he grabs me, throws me over his knee, and pulls my panties down. He tells me to diddle my skittles ;P and with in the first few seconds he lays a respectable crack across my ass cheek. That same tingle surges through my body. He then does the same on the other cheek, and it is pure bliss. Now, I would like to tell you that I am one of those respectable ladies, who took her time and denied her self gratification. However, I'm not going to lie to you. The 6th smack done me in. Daddy sat me up and smiled, he said "you like spankings its your kink."
I think like anyone else I wrestled with the idea of liking something that is not meant to bring you pleasure. Daddy means business when he hands out a spanking, and on my sassiest days he becomes the Ike Turner of ass slaps. I love every stinging moment of it. I am at the point now where I am comfortable saying that I have a spanking kink. Many people struggle with accepting who they are and what they like. There are many reasons behind it. Past trauma, religion, social stigma, guilt, or and overwhelming fear you're just not normal.
I struggled with a lot of these feelings. I was hit all my life, now it gives me orgasms what the fuck? I came to the conclusion that it is not the act as much as it is the feeling, or the release. I had pain attached to love, kindness, and consideration. I needed that. He was not trying to hurt me out of evil or spite. Because it was him I felt safe, and I was able to attach good feelings to pain and orgasms. This had always been a struggle for me. Having one orgasm was a miracle in the past, and I always felt bad about it because My first introduction into sex was as punishment.
I never had a person who was more than eager to meet my needs, and emotionally support me after. It was very freeing, and a complete show of trust and commitment to Daddy on my part. I am sure if another man had tried that it wouldn't have turned out so well. However, we talked before, he checked on me during, and we talked after. He assured me there was nothing wrong with me and he liked it too.
I have enjoyed my spankings since that day. We have tried a variety of things, but Daddy and I prefer his hand. I like the skin on skin contact. Daddy doesn't like any thing that marks his baby up <3 I am okay with that.
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Sing for Daddy
This is a record of a scene where Daddy encourages me to be verbal. I have provided a little back information of the conversations proceeding the scene. I have struggled with finding my voice and being comfortable with talking during sex, and being vocal. This is how Daddy helped me grow.
"Can I ask you something?" "Sure you can ask me anything." What's your kink?" "My Kink?" "Yeah, like everyone has a kink, a fetish, something they like/want during sex what's yours?" "Oh I don't know I guess if I had to say anything, I link to be held down or tied up." "You?" "I like it loud, I like verbal women" In the beginning Jack and I were just friends. We talked every night. If I'm honest I became dependent on it. After talking for a while we started to ask more personal questions. I think deep down we both knew where this was going.
So we had the kink conversation. I don't think either of us knew enough at the time to really have a list of kinks. Our experiences were matched at limited at best. The difference is that he had an idea of what he might want, and I really had no idea. My experience was limited to a man that didn't like to be touched. He rarely touched me aside from connecting the parts necessary to complete the act. Noise "distracted" him so I was not allowed to make it. I would say that calling my previous life vanilla was a compliment.
So I'm reading his message thinking well noise I can do that. Flash forward a few weeks, and years of programming is taking over. He continuously tells me, "let me hear you" and I want to I really do. A steady stream of pervy little things, and requests run through my mind. At the same time the reins of being ordered to be quiet for years confine me. I am conflicted. Are all men distracted if women are to loud? If he wants it I should oblige him right?
I am on the table and he is in front of me. He has developed a sweet pounding rhythm that wonderfully taps my sweet spot. The feeling is amazing I lose myself and I notice I have become very loud. I become self-conscious instinctively waiting to be scolded for ruining someones good time I cover my mouth to stifle the moans. He removes my hands and reminds me he needs to hear me. One orgasm later I am sure the world can hear me and I again cover my mouth. Through gritted teeth, he tells me "let me hear you" and moves my hand again this time pinning in to my thigh with his hand.
He has the power to control my body, which is no longer mine, and only complies to his demands. So I let go because its what he needs and I am in sensory overload from the activities of the evening. He has taken his time to push me to to the edge where I am so sensitive, even a breeze is enough to send me over. As I have one last exhausting orgasm I sing his praises loud enough to make him proud, and so he will understand the effect he has on me. Then I immediately apologize for being too loud. Daddy of course scoffs at the idea.
I am dehydrated, My legs are shaking. He calls me to him to get a drink and snack. I make my way over to him and drink. I set my drink on the counter, and I kiss his soft lips. He grabs my shoulder spins me around and bends me over the counter. He hikes my dress up over my hips, and with a swift movement lands a firm smack on my ass. He leans down and in his low gruff voice says "you don't stop yourself from making noise, you let Daddy hear you." **Delivers another smack*** "Do you understand?" "yes" "yes what?" "Yes Daddy" "good, now you owe me four more orgasms and I want to hear you, if you hold back we will start again" ***A third sweet slap***
He works me over again. Because he know my body so well he makes short work of one, two, three noisy orgasms. He begins to work on the last one. He is behind with one arm braced across my collar bone, and the other working slow circles on my button. He bites my neck and then whispers a command in my ear "Cum for Daddy!" Of course my body is his so it relents to him. I however, know this one is strong, so I bite my lip and stifle the scream. "That one doesn't count" he starts again. This time I have learned my lesson. I don't bite my lip, I stifle nothing. My knees buckle, and the neighbors are offended by the stream of screaming obscenities that leave my mouth.
I follow his orders and I pay him his dues. I am rewarded with a drink, snack, cuddles and praise. I now make as much noise as I like. Speaking is difficult at times, but it is more of a condition of my senses being overloaded than the lack of desire to do so. I am thankful that Daddy took the time to work with me to help me reach my full potential.
<3 Sally
"Can I ask you something?" "Sure you can ask me anything." What's your kink?" "My Kink?" "Yeah, like everyone has a kink, a fetish, something they like/want during sex what's yours?" "Oh I don't know I guess if I had to say anything, I link to be held down or tied up." "You?" "I like it loud, I like verbal women" In the beginning Jack and I were just friends. We talked every night. If I'm honest I became dependent on it. After talking for a while we started to ask more personal questions. I think deep down we both knew where this was going.
So we had the kink conversation. I don't think either of us knew enough at the time to really have a list of kinks. Our experiences were matched at limited at best. The difference is that he had an idea of what he might want, and I really had no idea. My experience was limited to a man that didn't like to be touched. He rarely touched me aside from connecting the parts necessary to complete the act. Noise "distracted" him so I was not allowed to make it. I would say that calling my previous life vanilla was a compliment.
So I'm reading his message thinking well noise I can do that. Flash forward a few weeks, and years of programming is taking over. He continuously tells me, "let me hear you" and I want to I really do. A steady stream of pervy little things, and requests run through my mind. At the same time the reins of being ordered to be quiet for years confine me. I am conflicted. Are all men distracted if women are to loud? If he wants it I should oblige him right?
I am on the table and he is in front of me. He has developed a sweet pounding rhythm that wonderfully taps my sweet spot. The feeling is amazing I lose myself and I notice I have become very loud. I become self-conscious instinctively waiting to be scolded for ruining someones good time I cover my mouth to stifle the moans. He removes my hands and reminds me he needs to hear me. One orgasm later I am sure the world can hear me and I again cover my mouth. Through gritted teeth, he tells me "let me hear you" and moves my hand again this time pinning in to my thigh with his hand.
He has the power to control my body, which is no longer mine, and only complies to his demands. So I let go because its what he needs and I am in sensory overload from the activities of the evening. He has taken his time to push me to to the edge where I am so sensitive, even a breeze is enough to send me over. As I have one last exhausting orgasm I sing his praises loud enough to make him proud, and so he will understand the effect he has on me. Then I immediately apologize for being too loud. Daddy of course scoffs at the idea.
I am dehydrated, My legs are shaking. He calls me to him to get a drink and snack. I make my way over to him and drink. I set my drink on the counter, and I kiss his soft lips. He grabs my shoulder spins me around and bends me over the counter. He hikes my dress up over my hips, and with a swift movement lands a firm smack on my ass. He leans down and in his low gruff voice says "you don't stop yourself from making noise, you let Daddy hear you." **Delivers another smack*** "Do you understand?" "yes" "yes what?" "Yes Daddy" "good, now you owe me four more orgasms and I want to hear you, if you hold back we will start again" ***A third sweet slap***
He works me over again. Because he know my body so well he makes short work of one, two, three noisy orgasms. He begins to work on the last one. He is behind with one arm braced across my collar bone, and the other working slow circles on my button. He bites my neck and then whispers a command in my ear "Cum for Daddy!" Of course my body is his so it relents to him. I however, know this one is strong, so I bite my lip and stifle the scream. "That one doesn't count" he starts again. This time I have learned my lesson. I don't bite my lip, I stifle nothing. My knees buckle, and the neighbors are offended by the stream of screaming obscenities that leave my mouth.
I follow his orders and I pay him his dues. I am rewarded with a drink, snack, cuddles and praise. I now make as much noise as I like. Speaking is difficult at times, but it is more of a condition of my senses being overloaded than the lack of desire to do so. I am thankful that Daddy took the time to work with me to help me reach my full potential.
<3 Sally
Consensual non-consent
I will start with a disclaimer, what I am about to write about is not for everyone. I am aware as I write this that there are going to be people that read it and say "oh hell no" I will not assume they will all be women, but I do acknowledge that feminists may attempt to revoke my woman card. :P That being said today's blog is about consensual non-consent, or as Daddy likes to call it "I get to hit it whenever I want!"
So lets go back for a second in case anyone here is new and not following. Daddy had previously been in a relationship with a narcissistic, bipolar, woman *cough..twatwaffle..cough cough*** anyway he had to follow the pattern unfortunately many people come to know in their relationships. Beg, plead, be turned down, become resentful, argue about lack of sex, be given pity band-aid sex, feel like crap, repeat. This leaves a person feeling insecure, and terrified of rejection. There is nothing worse in this world than to feel unwanted by the person who is supposed to love you. Some of the loneliest people in the world are in a relationship.
I was abused, and forced to tell the person "I want it" this created a problem. If a man asks me for sex it is an immediate turn off, and he is turned down. The feeling of guilt for wanting something that was used as a punishment for so long is too much. However, I never was with anyone who I trusted enough to give the gift to. No one who could meet my needs. My ex-husband was an abusive man he would have abused it and hurt me further. Aside from the obvious listed above I feel like a person should not have to beg for what should freely be given. We need sex to maintain a chemical, physical, and emotional connection with our lovers. It should never be used as a weapon, punishment, or bargaining chip.
Daddy and I were seeing each other for a few weeks when I felt like I could drop the bomb on him. I looked at him and said "I only have one rule. You don't ask for sex. If you ask you will be told no. You will from now on take freely what is yours" I think he thought I was losing my mind. However, as any man would I believe he tested the theory. I think he was thinking there is no way she can keep this up. So a few years later we are still at it. He calls the shots so it doesn't matter if its been 5 minutes/5 hours if he wants something he gets it. If he takes his dick out I do something with it. I find that there are many benefits to the arrangement we have. The first being that he never has to worry about getting turned down. No one feels rejects. No one questions whether they are loved or wanted. It reduces a great amount of stress on his end to not have to wonder if his needs are going to be met.
The agreement is while he doesn't have to ask he does have to convince me. Which means I get lots of kisses, and foreplay ;) I can actually tell by the look on his face what's up (pun intended) I trust him enough to take health, locations, and situations into consideration before he attempts to hit it. However, if you want to see a person gain a ton of confidence, put them in a situation where they know their needs will be met without struggle. There is nothing like a man that knows he has the power to take what he wants when he wants it.
So I know there are going to be a ton of questions and I happen to have my crystal ball out to help answer them. Yes, we have jobs full-time opposite shifts of each other. Yes, we have kids. Yes, there are days one or both of us isn't exactly feeling it. While they are few and far between. If there is a real issue, I let Daddy know ahead of time. The question about being in the mood doesn't apply to me I have an unusually high sex drive. I still reserve the right to use the safe word if we have had a busy day and my body has had too much. I benefit from this as well sex releases the feel good chemicals into your brain and body. I am basically, in a perpetual good mood all the time. Also we never fight about sex which is one of the top three reasons couples fight.
It is not for everyone. I know the idea its self is terrifying to some. I know there are people out there that would abuse this power. I know that trust plays a huge part. What I can tell you is this. Do not enter into this lightly as it should be with a person you can trust with your body, emotions, and safety. This person should be able to put your needs above their wants. If you do not feel comfortable enough to give over that control, then don't. It might be a romantic notion but it can be dangerous in the wrong relationship.
<3 Sally
So lets go back for a second in case anyone here is new and not following. Daddy had previously been in a relationship with a narcissistic, bipolar, woman *cough..twatwaffle..cough cough*** anyway he had to follow the pattern unfortunately many people come to know in their relationships. Beg, plead, be turned down, become resentful, argue about lack of sex, be given pity band-aid sex, feel like crap, repeat. This leaves a person feeling insecure, and terrified of rejection. There is nothing worse in this world than to feel unwanted by the person who is supposed to love you. Some of the loneliest people in the world are in a relationship.
I was abused, and forced to tell the person "I want it" this created a problem. If a man asks me for sex it is an immediate turn off, and he is turned down. The feeling of guilt for wanting something that was used as a punishment for so long is too much. However, I never was with anyone who I trusted enough to give the gift to. No one who could meet my needs. My ex-husband was an abusive man he would have abused it and hurt me further. Aside from the obvious listed above I feel like a person should not have to beg for what should freely be given. We need sex to maintain a chemical, physical, and emotional connection with our lovers. It should never be used as a weapon, punishment, or bargaining chip.
Daddy and I were seeing each other for a few weeks when I felt like I could drop the bomb on him. I looked at him and said "I only have one rule. You don't ask for sex. If you ask you will be told no. You will from now on take freely what is yours" I think he thought I was losing my mind. However, as any man would I believe he tested the theory. I think he was thinking there is no way she can keep this up. So a few years later we are still at it. He calls the shots so it doesn't matter if its been 5 minutes/5 hours if he wants something he gets it. If he takes his dick out I do something with it. I find that there are many benefits to the arrangement we have. The first being that he never has to worry about getting turned down. No one feels rejects. No one questions whether they are loved or wanted. It reduces a great amount of stress on his end to not have to wonder if his needs are going to be met.
The agreement is while he doesn't have to ask he does have to convince me. Which means I get lots of kisses, and foreplay ;) I can actually tell by the look on his face what's up (pun intended) I trust him enough to take health, locations, and situations into consideration before he attempts to hit it. However, if you want to see a person gain a ton of confidence, put them in a situation where they know their needs will be met without struggle. There is nothing like a man that knows he has the power to take what he wants when he wants it.
So I know there are going to be a ton of questions and I happen to have my crystal ball out to help answer them. Yes, we have jobs full-time opposite shifts of each other. Yes, we have kids. Yes, there are days one or both of us isn't exactly feeling it. While they are few and far between. If there is a real issue, I let Daddy know ahead of time. The question about being in the mood doesn't apply to me I have an unusually high sex drive. I still reserve the right to use the safe word if we have had a busy day and my body has had too much. I benefit from this as well sex releases the feel good chemicals into your brain and body. I am basically, in a perpetual good mood all the time. Also we never fight about sex which is one of the top three reasons couples fight.
It is not for everyone. I know the idea its self is terrifying to some. I know there are people out there that would abuse this power. I know that trust plays a huge part. What I can tell you is this. Do not enter into this lightly as it should be with a person you can trust with your body, emotions, and safety. This person should be able to put your needs above their wants. If you do not feel comfortable enough to give over that control, then don't. It might be a romantic notion but it can be dangerous in the wrong relationship.
<3 Sally
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Jack and Sally's Contract
Because we love each other and value our relationship we hear by enter into this contract of love to protect our relationship and each other. This is the contract created by Jack hereinafter referred to as "Daddy" and Sally hereinafter as "Little" The terms of this contract many be renegotiated, or changed at anytime. Daddy and Little agree to enter into a 24/7 TPE relationship in the bedroom, in the lair (home), and outside.
- Upon arriving home restrictive clothing will be removed so that both parties are comfortable.
- The arriving party will locate the other party to properly greet them with affection, and let them know they are well.
- Daddy and Little will be equally responsible for monitoring any communication from toxic and/or potentially toxic people coming and going in their lives in order to prevent each other from being further abused by outside parties.
- Daddy and Little will share their feelings, emotions, and daily activities outside the lair to prevent the build up of stress and monitor the mental health of both parties.
- Daddy and Little will maintain a healthy lifestyle and provide each other with physical and mental support to maintain their bodies.
- Daddy and Little will continue to educate themselves on topics of interest, and maintain a connection to the BDSM community. Information gathered on interests will be shared.
- Daddy and Little agree on the safe word "Pineapples" and will use it to prevent injury and/or exhaustion. Safety comes before pleasure.
- Daddy and Little agree that activities with another party is only permissible upon prior agreement of both Daddy and Little. Both Daddy and Little must be present for the scene.
- Daddy and Little will sleep naked unless weather or illness prevents it.
- Daddy and Little reserve the right to request wardrobe changes for social gatherings, or to sexually enhance the pleasure of a scene.
- Daddy and Little agree to keep track of each others coming and goings from the lair for safety purposes. Neither will restrict the travel or visitation rights of work related activities. Either party may request to accompany the other to non work related locations for the purpose of pleasure, affection, or safety purposes/concerns.
- The dominate will be referred to in public by his first name or a term of affection; he will be referred to as "Daddy" in the lair. The submissive will be referred to in public by her first name or a term of affection, and as "Little" or "Brat" in the lair.
- Derogatory terms are not permitted to be used when the Daddy or little is referring to each other with the exception of "dirty talk" during sex which is acceptable.
- Neither party will use drugs, smoke, or use alcohol in excess at social activities.
- Both parties will take medications prescribed by his or her physician to maintain their health.
- Daddy and Little agree to conduct themselves in a respectable manner in public as to not embarrass. Behavior should make the partner proud to be by each others side. Conduct in the lair during scene will be discussed prior to scene.
- Daddy and Little agree to be open and honest about wants and needs.
- Daddy and little will actively seek affection from each other at all times.
- Daddy and Little will maintain close proximity to each other in the lair as well as in public. There is a heavy emphasis on physical contact. PDA is required. Little will not walk behind Daddy, she will remain at his side as an equal. Little will hold Daddy's hand at all times while in public.
- Neither Daddy or Little require permission to speak to others in public, and may make eye contact to do so.
- Little will order for Daddy at restaurants.
- Daddy and Little agree upon request they will provide the other information about who they are conversing with via phone, text, or Facebook.
- Daddy reserves the right to confiscate Little's phone on her days off to prevent work from disrupting Little's days off. During this time Daddy will monitor Little's phone for emergencies and return as needed.
- Little's phone will be turned off on vacations so that she gives her undivided attention to Daddy.
- Daddy and Little will reserve "Hug Day" off from work, and spend it together.
- Daddy has final say on all matters in both Little's life and the lair. Daddy does not reserve the right to make decisions as the pertain to Little's business, or employment.
- Little will maintain the lairs finances. Both parties make financial decisions together.
- Little will maintain her persona "Sally" and help others online. She will maintain a blog of helpful information, and post emotions, or experiences as it pertains to our relationship or lifestyle.
- Daddy and Little maintain the right to choose their own friends, however if either party feels a friend is toxic, or has a potential to cross a boundary an open discussion will take place and a mutual decision should be made.
- Household chores will be shared, groceries will be purchased together as often as possible.
- If Daddy is not home, or unable to participate in sexual activity due to illness. Little will masturbate until she achieves one or more orgasms. This is non-negotiable. Little will report to Daddy the successful orgasm if he is not available to watch. Pictures and videos are encouraged.
- Unless at work or away on business; Little will return home immediately upon Daddy's request.
- Daddy and Little agree to be open to any sexual activity that does not cross hard limits and to appreciate each others interests. Hard limits are defined as:
- No play that involves fire
- No play that involves cutting or blood letting
- No spanking with items that are likely to bruise, cut, or cause serious injury.
- No gags
- No play that involves urine, or feces.
- No fisting.
- No genital torture.
- No play involving electricity.
- Daddy accepts responsibility for his Little's safety and understands it is his duty to make her feel safe, loved, protected, respected.
- Daddy will set clear limits and boundaries for Little so that she does not struggle making decisions alone.
- Daddy will push Little's boundaries, and push limits.
- Daddy will discipline Little as needed maintain control, and clearly define limits.
- Little will make sure Daddy feels loved, needed, wanted, and respected.
- Little will make her feelings known, but understands Daddy's say is final and will not argue.
- Little agrees to meet Daddy's sexual needs and desires.
- Little will encourage and support Daddy in growing as a dominate.
- Little Agrees to a two pet maximum.
Awakening the Dom.
Daddy wasn't always a Dominant when I met him he was a man that had overcome a lot. When he was younger he was overweight, around 300 lbs. He was/is shy. He found it hard to find someone to love him, and he had a hard time loving himself. He too had a difficult childhood. He felt lost and abandoned. Eventually, he met a woman and married her. She was bipolar and neurotic. The only thing that brought her joy was spending money. She treated him poorly she belittled, demeaned, ignored, and abused him. She manipulated, and controlled him.
She was supposed to love him. She didn't, instead for years she tore him down. She made him feel insecure, inadequate, less than enough. He spent years trying to change himself to please her or make her love him. She spend years treating him as if he was beneath her. In the moments she allowed him near her it was on her terms, as she controlled everything even their sex life. He wasn't allowed to touch her openly in public or in front of people. He wasn't allowed to touch her at all unless he showered first. It always had to be dark with no one around, and he was not allowed to finish in or near her. There would be no giving or receiving oral, only the standard position was allowed. Clothes mostly on. Nothing different was allowed. No noise was made. He was rushed, and if he didn't preform as expected she made fun of him. She attempted to crush his spirit so he felt like he was lucky to even have her, because no one else would want him. To be honest, she came pretty close to destroying this wonderful man.
We are a narrow minded society we like to think that men are strong, therefore bad things don't happen to them. We are foolish to assume that men are not mistreated by women. This isn't true, when a man hits a woman we think what a monster, when a woman hits a man we think "He must have done something" It's not okay. Abuse is never okay no matter who it is that is handing it out.
Eventually, he left and we met. From the beginning I saw the beast in him, his dominate side. He would let him out occasionally in example, he pushed me up against the wall, bit my lip, and growled in my ear. He would pull my hair a little and let go. Insecurity and self doubt always had him pulling back. He doubted himself, and his abilities. This it what another human being is capable of doing to us regardless if it is a man or a woman. Daddy, had a hard time making his needs and desires know, because he was often called weird, or flat out told no. There was no room for exploration. His confidence was shot.
As much as Daddy has done for me this is a story about how I helped him. I knew I needed to build his confidence, and help him get in touch with his dominate side. The first thing we needed was to make sure he knew how wonderful and amazing he really is. Daddy is not a lazy lover by any means. He reads books, he watches videos, he pays attention, he learns. He is always patient with me when he is teaching me something new. I make sure that I tell him that I love him, he's gorgeous, how wonderful what he does to me feels. When he doubts himself I build him up.
Daddy needs information. He calls it "data" he's obsessive about his numbers, he needs to compare every session to the last. Adding things, taking away, collecting the data, and then re-calibrating his actions. He needs this to make sure he is doing good, and making me happy, and satisfying our sexual needs. I make sure he has it. He wants to know how things feel, a rating of the position, how many orgasms I've had. This is how he knows exactly what is needed to give me orgasms, which is very important. In example he knows it takes exactly 50 swirls with his tongue to bring me to orgasm. It's an exact science to he made me count them once and he's right. He needs to know he did a good job, and he should know that he is absolutely amazing. Because he is. Men need to feel loved, desired, wanted, needed. This is not a woman only need.
Though we often over look the emotional needs of men. As I built him up he changed and became a more powerful version of himself. The dominate version of him stepped out to play with me more often. The more I submitted the more powerful he became, and it is a glorious exchange of power. I love watching him become more confident, more powerful. I love that he gives me an order and says to me "I'm not asking" I love that he is no longer worried about being judged, or belittled. I love that we can try anything new and there is no judgment just love. So I want to help anyone that may be with a man that need a confidence builder. Tell him he's smart, handsome, sexy. Give him the information he needs to improve without belittling of berating him. Show him what you like done. Allow him to be himself without judgment. Don't expect him to not have needs or feelings. Hold him, touch him often, kiss him whenever you can. People who are well loved become 10 times the person they were. With love, support, and encouragement being the dominate you meant to be is easy.
<3 Sally
She was supposed to love him. She didn't, instead for years she tore him down. She made him feel insecure, inadequate, less than enough. He spent years trying to change himself to please her or make her love him. She spend years treating him as if he was beneath her. In the moments she allowed him near her it was on her terms, as she controlled everything even their sex life. He wasn't allowed to touch her openly in public or in front of people. He wasn't allowed to touch her at all unless he showered first. It always had to be dark with no one around, and he was not allowed to finish in or near her. There would be no giving or receiving oral, only the standard position was allowed. Clothes mostly on. Nothing different was allowed. No noise was made. He was rushed, and if he didn't preform as expected she made fun of him. She attempted to crush his spirit so he felt like he was lucky to even have her, because no one else would want him. To be honest, she came pretty close to destroying this wonderful man.
We are a narrow minded society we like to think that men are strong, therefore bad things don't happen to them. We are foolish to assume that men are not mistreated by women. This isn't true, when a man hits a woman we think what a monster, when a woman hits a man we think "He must have done something" It's not okay. Abuse is never okay no matter who it is that is handing it out.
Eventually, he left and we met. From the beginning I saw the beast in him, his dominate side. He would let him out occasionally in example, he pushed me up against the wall, bit my lip, and growled in my ear. He would pull my hair a little and let go. Insecurity and self doubt always had him pulling back. He doubted himself, and his abilities. This it what another human being is capable of doing to us regardless if it is a man or a woman. Daddy, had a hard time making his needs and desires know, because he was often called weird, or flat out told no. There was no room for exploration. His confidence was shot.
As much as Daddy has done for me this is a story about how I helped him. I knew I needed to build his confidence, and help him get in touch with his dominate side. The first thing we needed was to make sure he knew how wonderful and amazing he really is. Daddy is not a lazy lover by any means. He reads books, he watches videos, he pays attention, he learns. He is always patient with me when he is teaching me something new. I make sure that I tell him that I love him, he's gorgeous, how wonderful what he does to me feels. When he doubts himself I build him up.
Daddy needs information. He calls it "data" he's obsessive about his numbers, he needs to compare every session to the last. Adding things, taking away, collecting the data, and then re-calibrating his actions. He needs this to make sure he is doing good, and making me happy, and satisfying our sexual needs. I make sure he has it. He wants to know how things feel, a rating of the position, how many orgasms I've had. This is how he knows exactly what is needed to give me orgasms, which is very important. In example he knows it takes exactly 50 swirls with his tongue to bring me to orgasm. It's an exact science to he made me count them once and he's right. He needs to know he did a good job, and he should know that he is absolutely amazing. Because he is. Men need to feel loved, desired, wanted, needed. This is not a woman only need.
Though we often over look the emotional needs of men. As I built him up he changed and became a more powerful version of himself. The dominate version of him stepped out to play with me more often. The more I submitted the more powerful he became, and it is a glorious exchange of power. I love watching him become more confident, more powerful. I love that he gives me an order and says to me "I'm not asking" I love that he is no longer worried about being judged, or belittled. I love that we can try anything new and there is no judgment just love. So I want to help anyone that may be with a man that need a confidence builder. Tell him he's smart, handsome, sexy. Give him the information he needs to improve without belittling of berating him. Show him what you like done. Allow him to be himself without judgment. Don't expect him to not have needs or feelings. Hold him, touch him often, kiss him whenever you can. People who are well loved become 10 times the person they were. With love, support, and encouragement being the dominate you meant to be is easy.
<3 Sally
Friday, April 21, 2017
Killing The Monster
This is not one of those nice stories you read that gives you warm and fuzzies, or is it? I think like with anything else it is a matter of perspective. I am writing this with several intentions. The first being to get it out. The second being to help others. Are you ready to go back with me? It will not be pretty but there is a light at the end of the tunnel I assure you. Let me lay some ground work. I am a bratty submissive. I have a Daddy. I have a trauma history. These all go together. I use BDSM to cure myself. I have severe PTSD, with all the nice bells and whistles flashback, panic, attacks, and irrational fear. I am going to tell you my story, and if you don't want to read it that's fine, because I don't want it in my head either. However, to see the light at the end, you must face the darkness at the beginning. If you can't this is where I leave you. <3
My father was a drug addict, however he is not the monster in my story. The man who replaced him in my mothers life is. My father had a addiction, I did not know who he was until I was 6. If I am honest up until then I thought my step-father was my father, and my life was good. So when this stranger shows up telling me different my little mind could not handle it. After a bit, my dad and I left and had our first 2 hour visit. Then he did not return for 2 years. Looking back I continue to ask myself was it better to know this person existed even if they are in and out of my life. Some would say yes, but that day changed things for me. I now knew the truth that I was not my step dads child, and my mother had loved another man. It was a truth my stepfather did not like to be reminded of . When I got home he hog tied me with a dog leash and locked me in a dark closet. It never amazes me what the human mind is capable of. See I can forget what I walked into the next room for, but I can remember every beating my mother took, every time she tried to kill herself, every affair he had and every young girl's face attached, I remember every hiding spot I used to hide my sisters from the psychos that were my parents. I can remember every detail of the 6 short visits I had with my father before he committed suicide when I was 11. We watched superman, and he was usually stoned. He would tie a towel around his neck and jump off furniture. It was great. In the mean time at home, I was turned into the house slave. I was not allowed to speak until I was spoken too. I was not allowed to eat with my family. I was responsible for all the child care, cooking, and house work. I was not allowed outside. I was routinely locked outside on pouches, or in garages in the winter wearing only a t-shirt and jeans. No socks or shoes. No coat. I never did anything right and I was beaten daily, like a dog with electrical cords, belts, sticks, and homemade paddles. I was made to eat and drink punishment concoctions. The monster took away my name and identity. My name was replaced with "Fat Bitch" even though at the time I was 121 lbs. I had to exercise obsessively, and was starved. Most nights I just wanted to die, some nights I tried. Still with me? Take a deep breath, we are okay.
My mother never intervened, she actually took a job working from 2-2 we never saw her....I never saw her I didn't have a mother anymore. With her out of the way, the monster became more creative with his torture. He would hang me upside down and hit my feet with boards breaking my toes. I walked to school like that, they healed on their own. He would choke me till I was unconscious. However, I got relief when I got to be alone with my sisters and read to them, do their hair, and play with them. The monster demanded that my mother provide him with babysitters to help with the kids. So while he banged the teenage babysitters, I was free. Until she cut him off. There are moments in life we know damage is being done, where you aren't even human anymore just a shell of a being watching what is happening to you. Here comes moment number one. It was a Saturday morning, I was up at 6 to care for my sisters. He called me into the bedroom where he was in bed. Be told me his stomach hurt and to sit down on the floor facing away from him and rub it. I immediately got that ping in my stomach, you know the one that lets you know shit's about to get bad. I did what I was told and as I sat there he kept pushing my hand down towards his dick until I touched it and recoiled like it was a snake going to strike. He grabbed my wrist and twisted it. He told me I was his property and I would do as I was told. He said I should feel privileged that he was going to train me to please him, and my future husband would benefit from this training. This went on for years. However, once my dad died things got much worse. So up to this point I have developed abandonment issues, terrible body image issues, and the inability to for the next 20 years to reach my hand down a mans pants and touch a dick like any normal woman, without them leading my hand, which bonus causes flashbacks, or feeling grossed out.
Then my dad dies, my mother takes a beating so severe for crying at his funeral that she can't work for days. I was just angry because I had this fantasy that he would come save me...Now there was no saving me. Two weeks later I come home from school and I am told to go to the bathroom where I can to answer my crimes of forgetting to put my sister tooth brush in the cup. He tells me that I am stupid, and no matter how much he beats me I am too stupid to learn. Therefore; it is his duty to find another way to teach me. He makes me get naked. He tells me to look at myself in the mirror and see how fat I am. He tells me that no man will ever want me, and I am making him do this because I'm so stupid and won't learn. He makes me tell him I want him to teach me to be better. At first I hesitate because I feel that ping in my stomach. I am rewarded for my hesitation with a split lip. After my compliance I am pushed down on all fours, he uses the back of my head to push my face in the side of the tub. He tells me that I need to loose weight because I'm fat and disgusting. He tells me to shut up, he doesn't want to hear a sound, and he rubs himself on the outside long enough to do what he needs to do. Silently. I am happy for the silence. It allows me to slip away. I remember being happy I was still a virgin. Because I never wanted to have to tell someone I lost my virginity to my stepfather. As time went on he would punish be by jabbing me with his fingers causing damage to my vagina. He would chain me to his tool bench and rub himself on the outside while jabbing me on the inside with items that weren't meant to be placed inside a girl. I spend many days cramping, not being able to walk straight. I wont go into details but I can't stand the site of bar stools, which were used to teach me the hard lesson of what happens when you resist. One night I was allowed to sleep upstairs (usually I was locked in the basement) because my sisters were sick. I was sleeping on the floor. He came upstairs got on the floor beside me and proceeded to cram is dick in to my throat. It was dark I couldn't see him, however I wish I could have seen the expression on his face when I threw up on him. I would regret it of course but he never did that again. He told be to go the the basement, he was angry. I was tied naked to a pole, he beat me with a electrical cord until couldn't stand and blood trickled down my back and legs. Then while he was still behind be he decided this would be my first anal experience. I only remember the pain, and the fact that my one and only friend had heard the screams, looked in the basement window, and was later beaten senseless for trying to save me.
It took another year before I would get out. In that time the monster was trying to convince me he was in love with me. We should run away. My mother would hate me if she found out about us. Since the pole night, he determined that was his new favorite punishment. He would beat me, he would make be say "I want it" he would put me on his lap facing away, or tie me to something get behind me silently do his thing, while I check out and went to a world where there wasn't so much pain. Until the day I snapped, and decided to leave entirely. I can't give you a lot of details, as I don't remember. Only that I was found wondering towards a bridge with razor blades in my hand. Years of abuse had taken its toll. I could tell story's for days, but these were the moments that broke my spirit, crushed my soul, they defined me.
So moving forward 9 months of intense psychotherapy and sexual therapy. I am one hell of a knock off for a normal teenage girl. Lisa my therapist and I make a list of things I need to work through as we find exposure therapy is what works best for me. (this doesn't work for everyone.) I have to do the following on my list: Touch a mans penis without physical prompts, give and receive oral, trust someone enough to touch me, allow someone to hold me and touch me from behind, use some form of restraints that I feel safe with, positions: dogie style, reverse cowgirl, and reverse cow girl anal. This is a life long list they weren't sending a teenage out for anal. Known triggers, silence, not being able to see the persons face, asking for sex, giving permission for sex, mirrors, pain play, old spice, choking, chains/bondage, person being behind me, intimate touching, anal, oral and orgasms or feeling good.
I know; sounds like I'm a lot of fun huh? I was in therapy for some time. I had to first learn to give myself orgasms and not feel disgusted, guilty, or dirty. It took 6 months. Also I now have carpel tunnel, but I digress. So I'm 19 and I have my list. Because I am a glutton for punishment, I choose a man that was an asshole. He did not like fore play so it always hurt, if I said something he would literally throw me off the bed, He smothered me with pillows, he was never kind. Silent, in the dark, painful, unsatisfying, triggering sex......good news I still have my happy place and I know how to get there. This sentence was 17 years. I know that is crazy, but children, failure, and all that jazz.
As this fell apart I met Daddy in the most unconventional of ways. He too was attempting to crawl out of something sad, and loveless. He too had a dark past full of his own monsters and demons. We were just friends to begin with and spent every night for the next several weeks talking. At some point one or both of us acknowledged the need for human contact and Daddy through out the invitation for a hug if I came to him. It took me a couple hours, and I think I turned the car around twice. I was very nervous but I drug myself to where he was and got a hug. Which turned into a neck kiss....which turned into a kiss on the lips....and I struggled. I knew where this was going to go, but did I want it too? I must have stopped him 50 times, and with the patience of a saint he never got pissy with me. Okay kids, it's about to get TV-MA up in here. So I am in my bra and panties, and he decided he's going down......AAAHHHHHH trigger.....but I let him, I don't know why. Its fine, I'm fine. Side note about Daddy he is not a minute, or 30 minute man. He's a bring a lunch, stay for the day kind of guy. So he comes up and I decide I'm going down. This time I like it, I mean I really, like it. It is a complete turn on to watch him squirm, and at this point I am amazed that someone other than myself has the power to turn me on because I was convinced, not to mention told I was broken. So he's on top for a while cool and orgasm, well 4 to be accurate. Then I'm on top here's a few more orgasms, and them he tries to put me in the never before tried reverse cowgirl position. I can feel two things occur my body immediately send off the "bad things are going to happen alarm" my brain is like I think we can do this, and Daddy is kindly walking me through it. I did it, I survived more orgasms. When I leave I literally have an emotional break down in my car. He doesn't know that I spent years with someone and was not comfortable enough to do all the things Daddy and I did in one night. It was overwhelming, and all of a sudden I felt something. Emotion, I had been an emotionless robot for years, but it was how I survived. Here this man who I've only known for a few weeks has cracked my armor, that's not possible. But it was, for a week or so I felt emotions, and then he pulled the plug because he didn't know if he was ready to move on yet. Those feelings I cherished crushed me. So I turned them off. I will tell you sub drop has nothing on the what happens to an emotionless person who felt something and crashed, plus I though we broke my kitty because I had so many orgasms I was a mess. Don't be mad at Daddy he has his own story, and it lasted all of two days. It wasn't the first time that he wavered the first few months were a struggle for us both, we even lost a baby :( I remind you this sweet man lays sleeping next to me so no worries. We made it through.
Our first weekend get away was a few months later, and I think it is safe to say my emotions were on guard mode. There was a real danger of losing him and I needed to be prepared to deal with the pain. We have a hotel and it has mirrors including at the end of the bed. We make love in front of the mirror and he makes me say "I'm beautiful" it is still such a profound moment. These seem like little things, but what he was giving me were good memories to override the bad. He very often will stand me in front of a mirror and have me say "I'm beautiful" and I never told him about the mirror issue in my past life. That night was a long night, as we sat facing each other, rocking back and forth making love slowly, the walls came down again. For the first time in my life I had a person who did more than just fuck me and walk away. Some of us are lucky enough to have a man that can fuck you like he owns you, and make love to you like your the most precious thing in the world to him. I am lucky. Even then though I'm telling myself don't get attached, don't get use to it. He will leave.
I know this is a lot to take in but to see the destination you have to understand the journey. I have so much to work on, and it is difficult to do it alone or with a person who does not understand, or refers to you as broken, or fucked up. Because I am forever fighting the monster, he lives in my head, creeps into my dreams, steals my thoughts. Pleasure makes me feel guilty. Sometimes, normal acts make me feel dirty. If I do something related to what he make me do and its not successful he whispers to "because your only purpose is to serve me" then I want to avoid that activity entirely. He shows me pictures. He convinces me I am not good enough. Somewhere hidden inside me is a little girl that believes she is fat, stupid, unlovable. When men look at me I feel uncomfortable. I don't like to be touched. If I feel dirty I will take a shower that is way too hot and scrub my skin raw. This is what it does to you. I am constantly doubting myself, or the fact that anyone could love me. I expect people to hurt me and try to figure out their angle if they don't. If something makes me happy or feels good I try to destroy it because still those feelings are hard to deal with. Happiness can make me physically uncomfortable. Why? Because they only time I was even treated somewhat decently as a child was before the monster showed up to hurt me. See I am a mess too, like you, maybe better, maybe worse. I am getting better.
When he moved in about a year ago we started our real journey as Daddy and little. I will save some of our firsts for a different blog. However, Daddy pushes me to deal with things it was important for us to work together, and for example he does not let me go to the dark place an live there. I will try to keep things from him because at any second he's gonna think dealing with this chick is horseshit, and leave. Loving a person with PTSD is not for the faint of heart. Sometimes its a real struggle, and I wonder how he does it. I struggle with the idea of craving the things that happened. Or at least I did. I know now that there is nothing wrong with the fact that I like to be tied or held down, by a safe person, to be clear by Daddy as no one else has been able to do this. I need it, so when I close my eye I just see Daddy, not the monster. Every trigger we work on kills a little piece of the monster. It takes away a small amount of the monsters power. I can have a man behind me, and long as he is my man. Everything we chip away at make me stronger and the monster weaker. So why did we then choose BDSM to help with the trauma? My primary reason, I needed to relinquish power and control to someone I felt safe with. In the past men took power from me I can have that. I need to be in control, and being submissive is the best way. His power is only his as long as I allow it to be. Because it is safe, there's limits, there's conversations, there's contracts. Unlike a vanilla relationship if I ask someone to spank me because I need to feel good pain, they wont look at me like I am crazy. Furthermore, I have found that these types of relationships hold a higher level of trust, safety, and emotional attachment. On a core level it encourages the "therapy" that I need which is to be dominated by someone who can be rough within limits, then provides for my emotional well being after wards with kisses, cuddles, and affection. This helps be to program my brain that sex is not a punishment. When I try to avoid something Daddy pushes me to face it and is with me every step of the way to make sure I am safe and feel loved. I have given him the power to do so which diminishes my desire to fight, or avoid. These are the basic rules for these relationships. I submit and he cares for me. It's not perfect every once in a while there is a trigger moment, and we deal with it. While the list is dwindling down, I still have a few I need to work on I am having less nightmare, and flashbacks. There are so many things that I can do now, and I know it would not have been possible without this relationship and lifestyle.
I hope that some one reading this feels they are not as alone in the world. I hope that a person reading this that may be with a person with PTSD understands a little better, we don't want to be crazy trust me! I hope that a person reading this that is struggling to understand is it normal I used to be abused, and now I like to be flogged, knows now, yes that's normal. Trauma, will change the way you look at things, it will make you ask more questions, but it does not have to control you if you don't let it. I know this will not work for everyone. I am not saying my way is the only way, but for us it works. Don't let anyone judge you for how you choose to fix what someone else has broken!
In case you still feel alone 1 out of every 4 girls will be a victim of sexual assault, 1 in 6 boys, and 1 of every 2 people with a disability. You're not alone, you're not broken,
you're not fucked up. You just need to find your path to the light <3
Until Next time <3 Sally
My father was a drug addict, however he is not the monster in my story. The man who replaced him in my mothers life is. My father had a addiction, I did not know who he was until I was 6. If I am honest up until then I thought my step-father was my father, and my life was good. So when this stranger shows up telling me different my little mind could not handle it. After a bit, my dad and I left and had our first 2 hour visit. Then he did not return for 2 years. Looking back I continue to ask myself was it better to know this person existed even if they are in and out of my life. Some would say yes, but that day changed things for me. I now knew the truth that I was not my step dads child, and my mother had loved another man. It was a truth my stepfather did not like to be reminded of . When I got home he hog tied me with a dog leash and locked me in a dark closet. It never amazes me what the human mind is capable of. See I can forget what I walked into the next room for, but I can remember every beating my mother took, every time she tried to kill herself, every affair he had and every young girl's face attached, I remember every hiding spot I used to hide my sisters from the psychos that were my parents. I can remember every detail of the 6 short visits I had with my father before he committed suicide when I was 11. We watched superman, and he was usually stoned. He would tie a towel around his neck and jump off furniture. It was great. In the mean time at home, I was turned into the house slave. I was not allowed to speak until I was spoken too. I was not allowed to eat with my family. I was responsible for all the child care, cooking, and house work. I was not allowed outside. I was routinely locked outside on pouches, or in garages in the winter wearing only a t-shirt and jeans. No socks or shoes. No coat. I never did anything right and I was beaten daily, like a dog with electrical cords, belts, sticks, and homemade paddles. I was made to eat and drink punishment concoctions. The monster took away my name and identity. My name was replaced with "Fat Bitch" even though at the time I was 121 lbs. I had to exercise obsessively, and was starved. Most nights I just wanted to die, some nights I tried. Still with me? Take a deep breath, we are okay.
My mother never intervened, she actually took a job working from 2-2 we never saw her....I never saw her I didn't have a mother anymore. With her out of the way, the monster became more creative with his torture. He would hang me upside down and hit my feet with boards breaking my toes. I walked to school like that, they healed on their own. He would choke me till I was unconscious. However, I got relief when I got to be alone with my sisters and read to them, do their hair, and play with them. The monster demanded that my mother provide him with babysitters to help with the kids. So while he banged the teenage babysitters, I was free. Until she cut him off. There are moments in life we know damage is being done, where you aren't even human anymore just a shell of a being watching what is happening to you. Here comes moment number one. It was a Saturday morning, I was up at 6 to care for my sisters. He called me into the bedroom where he was in bed. Be told me his stomach hurt and to sit down on the floor facing away from him and rub it. I immediately got that ping in my stomach, you know the one that lets you know shit's about to get bad. I did what I was told and as I sat there he kept pushing my hand down towards his dick until I touched it and recoiled like it was a snake going to strike. He grabbed my wrist and twisted it. He told me I was his property and I would do as I was told. He said I should feel privileged that he was going to train me to please him, and my future husband would benefit from this training. This went on for years. However, once my dad died things got much worse. So up to this point I have developed abandonment issues, terrible body image issues, and the inability to for the next 20 years to reach my hand down a mans pants and touch a dick like any normal woman, without them leading my hand, which bonus causes flashbacks, or feeling grossed out.
Then my dad dies, my mother takes a beating so severe for crying at his funeral that she can't work for days. I was just angry because I had this fantasy that he would come save me...Now there was no saving me. Two weeks later I come home from school and I am told to go to the bathroom where I can to answer my crimes of forgetting to put my sister tooth brush in the cup. He tells me that I am stupid, and no matter how much he beats me I am too stupid to learn. Therefore; it is his duty to find another way to teach me. He makes me get naked. He tells me to look at myself in the mirror and see how fat I am. He tells me that no man will ever want me, and I am making him do this because I'm so stupid and won't learn. He makes me tell him I want him to teach me to be better. At first I hesitate because I feel that ping in my stomach. I am rewarded for my hesitation with a split lip. After my compliance I am pushed down on all fours, he uses the back of my head to push my face in the side of the tub. He tells me that I need to loose weight because I'm fat and disgusting. He tells me to shut up, he doesn't want to hear a sound, and he rubs himself on the outside long enough to do what he needs to do. Silently. I am happy for the silence. It allows me to slip away. I remember being happy I was still a virgin. Because I never wanted to have to tell someone I lost my virginity to my stepfather. As time went on he would punish be by jabbing me with his fingers causing damage to my vagina. He would chain me to his tool bench and rub himself on the outside while jabbing me on the inside with items that weren't meant to be placed inside a girl. I spend many days cramping, not being able to walk straight. I wont go into details but I can't stand the site of bar stools, which were used to teach me the hard lesson of what happens when you resist. One night I was allowed to sleep upstairs (usually I was locked in the basement) because my sisters were sick. I was sleeping on the floor. He came upstairs got on the floor beside me and proceeded to cram is dick in to my throat. It was dark I couldn't see him, however I wish I could have seen the expression on his face when I threw up on him. I would regret it of course but he never did that again. He told be to go the the basement, he was angry. I was tied naked to a pole, he beat me with a electrical cord until couldn't stand and blood trickled down my back and legs. Then while he was still behind be he decided this would be my first anal experience. I only remember the pain, and the fact that my one and only friend had heard the screams, looked in the basement window, and was later beaten senseless for trying to save me.
It took another year before I would get out. In that time the monster was trying to convince me he was in love with me. We should run away. My mother would hate me if she found out about us. Since the pole night, he determined that was his new favorite punishment. He would beat me, he would make be say "I want it" he would put me on his lap facing away, or tie me to something get behind me silently do his thing, while I check out and went to a world where there wasn't so much pain. Until the day I snapped, and decided to leave entirely. I can't give you a lot of details, as I don't remember. Only that I was found wondering towards a bridge with razor blades in my hand. Years of abuse had taken its toll. I could tell story's for days, but these were the moments that broke my spirit, crushed my soul, they defined me.
So moving forward 9 months of intense psychotherapy and sexual therapy. I am one hell of a knock off for a normal teenage girl. Lisa my therapist and I make a list of things I need to work through as we find exposure therapy is what works best for me. (this doesn't work for everyone.) I have to do the following on my list: Touch a mans penis without physical prompts, give and receive oral, trust someone enough to touch me, allow someone to hold me and touch me from behind, use some form of restraints that I feel safe with, positions: dogie style, reverse cowgirl, and reverse cow girl anal. This is a life long list they weren't sending a teenage out for anal. Known triggers, silence, not being able to see the persons face, asking for sex, giving permission for sex, mirrors, pain play, old spice, choking, chains/bondage, person being behind me, intimate touching, anal, oral and orgasms or feeling good.
I know; sounds like I'm a lot of fun huh? I was in therapy for some time. I had to first learn to give myself orgasms and not feel disgusted, guilty, or dirty. It took 6 months. Also I now have carpel tunnel, but I digress. So I'm 19 and I have my list. Because I am a glutton for punishment, I choose a man that was an asshole. He did not like fore play so it always hurt, if I said something he would literally throw me off the bed, He smothered me with pillows, he was never kind. Silent, in the dark, painful, unsatisfying, triggering sex......good news I still have my happy place and I know how to get there. This sentence was 17 years. I know that is crazy, but children, failure, and all that jazz.
As this fell apart I met Daddy in the most unconventional of ways. He too was attempting to crawl out of something sad, and loveless. He too had a dark past full of his own monsters and demons. We were just friends to begin with and spent every night for the next several weeks talking. At some point one or both of us acknowledged the need for human contact and Daddy through out the invitation for a hug if I came to him. It took me a couple hours, and I think I turned the car around twice. I was very nervous but I drug myself to where he was and got a hug. Which turned into a neck kiss....which turned into a kiss on the lips....and I struggled. I knew where this was going to go, but did I want it too? I must have stopped him 50 times, and with the patience of a saint he never got pissy with me. Okay kids, it's about to get TV-MA up in here. So I am in my bra and panties, and he decided he's going down......AAAHHHHHH trigger.....but I let him, I don't know why. Its fine, I'm fine. Side note about Daddy he is not a minute, or 30 minute man. He's a bring a lunch, stay for the day kind of guy. So he comes up and I decide I'm going down. This time I like it, I mean I really, like it. It is a complete turn on to watch him squirm, and at this point I am amazed that someone other than myself has the power to turn me on because I was convinced, not to mention told I was broken. So he's on top for a while cool and orgasm, well 4 to be accurate. Then I'm on top here's a few more orgasms, and them he tries to put me in the never before tried reverse cowgirl position. I can feel two things occur my body immediately send off the "bad things are going to happen alarm" my brain is like I think we can do this, and Daddy is kindly walking me through it. I did it, I survived more orgasms. When I leave I literally have an emotional break down in my car. He doesn't know that I spent years with someone and was not comfortable enough to do all the things Daddy and I did in one night. It was overwhelming, and all of a sudden I felt something. Emotion, I had been an emotionless robot for years, but it was how I survived. Here this man who I've only known for a few weeks has cracked my armor, that's not possible. But it was, for a week or so I felt emotions, and then he pulled the plug because he didn't know if he was ready to move on yet. Those feelings I cherished crushed me. So I turned them off. I will tell you sub drop has nothing on the what happens to an emotionless person who felt something and crashed, plus I though we broke my kitty because I had so many orgasms I was a mess. Don't be mad at Daddy he has his own story, and it lasted all of two days. It wasn't the first time that he wavered the first few months were a struggle for us both, we even lost a baby :( I remind you this sweet man lays sleeping next to me so no worries. We made it through.
Our first weekend get away was a few months later, and I think it is safe to say my emotions were on guard mode. There was a real danger of losing him and I needed to be prepared to deal with the pain. We have a hotel and it has mirrors including at the end of the bed. We make love in front of the mirror and he makes me say "I'm beautiful" it is still such a profound moment. These seem like little things, but what he was giving me were good memories to override the bad. He very often will stand me in front of a mirror and have me say "I'm beautiful" and I never told him about the mirror issue in my past life. That night was a long night, as we sat facing each other, rocking back and forth making love slowly, the walls came down again. For the first time in my life I had a person who did more than just fuck me and walk away. Some of us are lucky enough to have a man that can fuck you like he owns you, and make love to you like your the most precious thing in the world to him. I am lucky. Even then though I'm telling myself don't get attached, don't get use to it. He will leave.
I know this is a lot to take in but to see the destination you have to understand the journey. I have so much to work on, and it is difficult to do it alone or with a person who does not understand, or refers to you as broken, or fucked up. Because I am forever fighting the monster, he lives in my head, creeps into my dreams, steals my thoughts. Pleasure makes me feel guilty. Sometimes, normal acts make me feel dirty. If I do something related to what he make me do and its not successful he whispers to "because your only purpose is to serve me" then I want to avoid that activity entirely. He shows me pictures. He convinces me I am not good enough. Somewhere hidden inside me is a little girl that believes she is fat, stupid, unlovable. When men look at me I feel uncomfortable. I don't like to be touched. If I feel dirty I will take a shower that is way too hot and scrub my skin raw. This is what it does to you. I am constantly doubting myself, or the fact that anyone could love me. I expect people to hurt me and try to figure out their angle if they don't. If something makes me happy or feels good I try to destroy it because still those feelings are hard to deal with. Happiness can make me physically uncomfortable. Why? Because they only time I was even treated somewhat decently as a child was before the monster showed up to hurt me. See I am a mess too, like you, maybe better, maybe worse. I am getting better.
When he moved in about a year ago we started our real journey as Daddy and little. I will save some of our firsts for a different blog. However, Daddy pushes me to deal with things it was important for us to work together, and for example he does not let me go to the dark place an live there. I will try to keep things from him because at any second he's gonna think dealing with this chick is horseshit, and leave. Loving a person with PTSD is not for the faint of heart. Sometimes its a real struggle, and I wonder how he does it. I struggle with the idea of craving the things that happened. Or at least I did. I know now that there is nothing wrong with the fact that I like to be tied or held down, by a safe person, to be clear by Daddy as no one else has been able to do this. I need it, so when I close my eye I just see Daddy, not the monster. Every trigger we work on kills a little piece of the monster. It takes away a small amount of the monsters power. I can have a man behind me, and long as he is my man. Everything we chip away at make me stronger and the monster weaker. So why did we then choose BDSM to help with the trauma? My primary reason, I needed to relinquish power and control to someone I felt safe with. In the past men took power from me I can have that. I need to be in control, and being submissive is the best way. His power is only his as long as I allow it to be. Because it is safe, there's limits, there's conversations, there's contracts. Unlike a vanilla relationship if I ask someone to spank me because I need to feel good pain, they wont look at me like I am crazy. Furthermore, I have found that these types of relationships hold a higher level of trust, safety, and emotional attachment. On a core level it encourages the "therapy" that I need which is to be dominated by someone who can be rough within limits, then provides for my emotional well being after wards with kisses, cuddles, and affection. This helps be to program my brain that sex is not a punishment. When I try to avoid something Daddy pushes me to face it and is with me every step of the way to make sure I am safe and feel loved. I have given him the power to do so which diminishes my desire to fight, or avoid. These are the basic rules for these relationships. I submit and he cares for me. It's not perfect every once in a while there is a trigger moment, and we deal with it. While the list is dwindling down, I still have a few I need to work on I am having less nightmare, and flashbacks. There are so many things that I can do now, and I know it would not have been possible without this relationship and lifestyle.
I hope that some one reading this feels they are not as alone in the world. I hope that a person reading this that may be with a person with PTSD understands a little better, we don't want to be crazy trust me! I hope that a person reading this that is struggling to understand is it normal I used to be abused, and now I like to be flogged, knows now, yes that's normal. Trauma, will change the way you look at things, it will make you ask more questions, but it does not have to control you if you don't let it. I know this will not work for everyone. I am not saying my way is the only way, but for us it works. Don't let anyone judge you for how you choose to fix what someone else has broken!
In case you still feel alone 1 out of every 4 girls will be a victim of sexual assault, 1 in 6 boys, and 1 of every 2 people with a disability. You're not alone, you're not broken,
you're not fucked up. You just need to find your path to the light <3
Until Next time <3 Sally
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Why I Submit
Years ago my sister gave me a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. I still remember reading it and thinking " no freaking way!" To be fair at the time I was in an abusive relationship and the last thing I wanted was to give that person more control over me. Years later I find myself with a different opinion. Submission is the ultimate gift one person can give to another. It is the act of saying I trust you with my mind, body, well being, heart, and soul. There also a huge spiritual element from the high level of commitment and trust that goes into these types of relationships. If done right, you feel free, connected, loved , and even experience emotional release. Everyone has their reasons to submit. Some people have high stress jobs, or lives and find comfort in another being in control. Some people like being dominated in the bedroom 🙋🏽. Some people have been through traumatic experiences and find it has helped them heal. Some people have been abused and find it is a way to take back control of their lives. Some people long for traditional relationships with traditional gender roles. So which category do I fit in to, well the honest answer is all of the above. I find comfort in traditional gender roles. The man needs to be the man. I have a job, I'm powerful in my own right. I do not want to be the person in charge of everything all the time. I was abused most of my life. I had several men take things from me. I had my body broken, my soul crushed. I had no one to trust, and no say in my life. I had no happiness or joy. I spent many years feeling lost and alone. So I chose. My Daddy has power only because I give it to him. There is something so freeing about that. I am overwhelmed with feelings of safety, protection, love, and happiness. Never in my life have I felt that. Finally, I can deal with my trauma. It doesn't take the nightmares away, but I feel "normal" and I didn't think it possible. I have safely worked through triggers and issues. Daddy and I have done things I never thought I'd be able to. I am slowly freeing myself from the shackles that is my past. It is very liberating. So why do I submit, because for once in my life I am in control ❤️😘💁🏻Sally
Contractual love ❤️
We had went back and forth about it for sometime. To have a contract or not. We were definitely new and still getting our feet wet in this whole BDSM lifestyle. Did we really want to got 24/7? Was it a good idea for a once abused woman, and Oppressed man to write rules for their relationship? I'm looking online at others who say "we love and trust each other we don't need a contract!" Do we need one? No, but maybe yes? The love of my life and I have been down a very rough road to get to each other. My road was paved with abuse, neglect, and being taken advantage of. His road was paved with abuse, neglect, lack of affection, and belittlement. We could not decide on what kind of rope to use in the bedroom, but we were certain we did not want history repeating. It sounds simple enough doesn't it? Why write it down? Well because life and the human condition. We make promises all the time. Late at night lying face to face in bed we whisper promises to be better, different, never take each other for granted. I will not hurt you like the others have, and we mean it until we don't. Every relationship starts the same, we chase, we plan, we flatter, we drown them in attention, we.....well we try. Because there is still a chance that they might choose another and we don't want that. Then we have them and they are finally ours.....he is mine, I win!!! So we spend the traditional small amount of time being the person we would want to be with, the perfect other half. Then we get routines, become complacent, get lazy. We forget that relationships need work. Now I love, I mean love my (Daddy) Jack. I know him, like he knows me. I trust him. I want to be his everything because he is mine. So I feel like the best way to keep myself in check is to take out my contract and review it. Think about this, what if we took out our wedding vows every year and asked "Am I really loving him/her?" I mean beyond words. Are you going out of your way to show it. Leaving letters, sending flowers, making special meals, turning off your god damn cell phone and paying attention to a real person for more than 5 seconds are you doing it? What if we checked ourselves frequently and realized I have become a lazy lover? Like in the beginning where you spent hours just worshiping each other, and what about now? Have you moved on to two rushed pecks, and a quick romp to quiet requests for affection? I have a contract because I like to know what is expected, but to remember the promises we made to each other. The fact that we will always greet each other with affection, He will protect me from being taken advantage of, that we will love each other even when it is difficult to like each other. Do I need it because I don't know my Jack? No. Is it because we can't talk about expectations, limits, wants, needs? No. We have a contract to protect what is most precious to us, our love. I want to keep myself in check and remain the girl he loves, not the girl he misses while he's sitting next to me. It might not be for everyone, but clearly defined lines are important to some. So I, for one, am a fan of my contractual love <3
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