Where did you go.

How did we get all the way over here after months of silence?  It has been an adventurous few months to say the least and here I am to tell you about it.  Shortly after the wedding it was detected that I had cancer. This is a difficult thing for anyone to hear, but more so difficult when part of the treatment requires removing the organ that controls all your hormones. As a woman your identity is hormonal. Everything you are is controlled by hormones. I spent a lot of time worried about who I would be after the fact? When the take away the hormones that make my skin soft, when they cause my body to go haywire. Will I lose interest in sex. This was a big concern for me as I had spent the better part of two decades with no enjoyment of sex.  Here I was finally felling loved, wanted, sexy, and most importantly I felt desired. This made me confident, and made my husband irresistible.  What if I lose that all, what if I’m not enough? What if he doesn’t feel loved and pulls away from me?  I believe I fell into some what of a depression. Which put a slight damper on things.  I developed a lot of anxiety after the surgery especially as my body started to change.  Starting with what every woman hates weight gain. Needless to say I had to retire my size 10 jeans to the back of the closet and the size 12 teeter between too big, or doing the jiggle jump to get in them, sexy I know.  My confidence wasn’t there and if I’m off, he’s off.  So how do we do this? The first shift I noticed was the need to be loved more.  While I love playing with Daddy, sometimes I just craved my husband. While my hormones were crazy I found things that uses to excite me slightly annoying. I think it was a combination of chaos in my body and PTSD.  How do you explain that you need to be vanilla for a while without another person taking it personally? Oh dear.  However, I feel what happened is the lifestyle took a backseat to what we were dealing with. Which was probably for the best.  We needed to focus on my health, and then get back to us. So now we’re semi on the other side.  Where I’m at now is I really enjoy playing with Daddy.  I absolutely love when he is his complete dominant self. However, I still need my husband.  There are stills times that I get much more out of slow sweet love making than I do getting my ass slapped.  I am still crazy in love with this man and all that he is. I don’t quite have it all figured out. I still don’t feel like 100% myself.  I still worry about what the future brings.  I just feel that if I’m going to struggle I’m with the right man to do it with.  I’m hoping to get back into the swing of things soon.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.