Very often I come across people wanting information about how to encourage their lover to be "more". They need more sex, affection, foreplay, kink, noise, orgasms, connection...Just more. The question often comes up is it appropriate to end an otherwise good relationship if there is not a strong sexual connection, or relationship. I am not here to give you the answer as only you can decide what your deal breakers are. What I can do is share some information on how Daddy and I continue to grow together.
In any relationship, including mine, there has to be a core sexual belief system. You have to agree on things like how often, how much, what you will try, what's off limits, and what's important. If you're having this conversation and are noticing right away there are big differences you need to be asking the question: Is there room to compromise? If the answer is no then you have already hit your first brick wall. Now, let me be clear I am not advocating the mass destruction of marriages/relationships where sex is an issue. I am saying as a collective group we do not ask these questions until it is too late and we end up wondering how to back out of a relationship without hurting anyone, or if we can struggle through.
What I can tell you is this I used to be of the mindset that "sex does not matter" not that I don't like sex. I do, a lot, but I was raised that it was not a priority just a pleasant relationship enhancer. No one ever explained intimacy to me, so it was years before I made that connection. My last relationship was 17 years. We were not sexually compatible, we were not even on the same planet as far a sex is concerned. He was very "get in, get off, get out" no extras, no kink, no intimacy, no cuddles, no variance in positions, no touching, just no.
I can give you some scientific facts here. The less you have sex the weaker your bond with your partner becomes. The weaker your bond, the easier it is for the relationship to crumble. It is a major piece of your relationship foundation. The same is true for kissing, touching, hand holding, or frequent sex without emotional connection. When lovers do not meet on the sexual playing field the first crack in their foundation occurs. When I was taking human sexuality in college my professor would say "A good sex life can make a bad relationship last years, a bad sex life will end a good relationship within months" So for me, I didn't know better. I was in a bad relationship, with bad sex for years.
So where did this lead me? To my very first sexual conversation in my life at 36 years old with Daddy. Who had a also had a mismatched partner the first time around. So we have had many conversations over what was important. In the beginning it was important to have the lights on as we were both condemned to dark only. It was important for Daddy to not have to "beg" and equally as important for me to be with a man who does not ask. Silence was not going to work for Daddy, and I was sick of being quiet. We both wanted to try new things but were very nervous about it.
At the core we agree and are the same, which made everything else sort of easy. I say sort of because I am leading to the next part of my blog which is time and effort. So lets say you have the conversation and you try things and your partner is moving at a speed that does not make you happy then what? Well, you be encouraging, and wait. Daddy did not just show up one day with his spanking hand warm and ready to go looking at me and saying "little needs a spanking". He didn't know he was a Daddy, I didn't know I was a little. We stumbled across it and we learned.
Before the life style our sex life was already phenomenal. We have always had a strong physical and emotional connection. However, in the beginning Daddy was not certain he could be the Dom, I was not certain I could submit. So we took our time and started slow. One thing as a time, then we talked about it after, assigned it a number value, and determined its standing in our lives. I cannot hammer communication home enough. If there was something we are working on the other is encouraging, but never pushy. We don't get frustrated with each-other.
This is important because a person will shut down if they receive a lot of sexual pressure. Unfortunately, we live in a instant gradification society where everyone wants everything now! We forget what a huge change this life style is for some. Some of us are ready to jump in both feet; some of need time to gather information, learn, process, and figure where we fit. This is what most of us struggle with. Because while there is a couple core, there is also the human core. What a person is or isn't when we strip away the layers.
In the beginning Daddy was just my love, and he thought he wanted me in control. I knew better. He had been long oppressed by all the women in is life and thought that is how we all were. That was what he knew. Years later, he knows he cannot be submissive. I thought I could never be submissive, I for too long had people reign over me with power they had taken, not earned. Today, I know my place is to submit. As most of us in the lifestyle we continue to learn, grow, evolve.
For the past couple years I have been building Daddy up. I continue to encourage him to assert his dominance. He has done well, there are things he had to do on his own time, like me he struggles with the play that might cause a marks, or is painful. In example, hair pulling he would start and stop himself. For me I am a feisty vixen I bite and scratch. Seeing the marks after make me feel bad so I restrain myself and he encourages.
Today, after he gave me his "come take care of Daddy" order he grabbed a fist full of hair and used his handle to guide me. Afterwards, he said how much he liked it and I was happy he finally got over the hurdle. My point is boys and girls it takes time. Especially, if this is something new, and out of ones comfort zone. Allow your partner the time to find their footing in this new world. Be supportive, talk to them, be encouraging, but don't expect them to move at your speed. It will be worth the wait I promise. Remember, it is your life style and what you are comfortable with. There is no mandatory handbook that must be followed to the letter.
Daddy, to me is a king among men. It is my job to help keep my king on his throne. It is your job to support you partner to grow as well, as long as your core is the same. You have to have some common ground to work on. Daddy has said it best, if the person your with does not meet your sexual needs, but is a wonderful person. Let them be wonderful for someone else. It's okay to want to have a strong sexual relationship with the person you love, and if that part of the relationship is not there but you stay just for the love that's okay too. We are often looking for answers from others, when most of the time we already have them but are to afraid to face the truth. I have posted a link below for the dominant/ submissive checklist. It is the best place to start and find a core to work from. <3 Sally
http://www.differentstrokes.co.za/store/img/cms/DSChecklist.pdf
Daddy and I tend to be a bit adventurous. We like to be outside, we enjoy the sunshine, the fresh air, the blue sky, and trees. We have a bit of a habit of marking our adventures with a orgasm, well for me at least. Its not always safe for Daddy to take the anaconda out. I make sure to always dress so that Daddy and slip in and out unnoticed. However, it is always fun when Daddy can have as much fun as I am!
There have been a few times were we have been able to pull off joint ventures in example we have taken a quick romp behind a tree at a park during the winter. We have christened the hood of my car on a hot summer night. We have made love under the stars while a family of opossums have watched.
Very recently took the pleasure in the beautiful day we have had here. Up north the summer is short and slow to start. However, we were blessed with a beautiful sunny day recently. Daddy calls me out to the back yard (it's private) and says let's lay in the sun. So I go out to the yard and realize quickly Daddy has others plans. Soon we are rolling in the cool grass with the sun on our skin. It is slowly and sweetly that we love each other at first. Then Daddy rolls me over and smacks my ass a good one. With the sun on my skin I enjoy the rhythmic pounding Daddy delivers. The sound of the birds singing, the breeze blowing through the trees. The feel of the grass between my fingers. It was wonderful on my senses.
I have a need and it is strong. I did not know it until recently. I am a submissive, well at least at home. I spend all day making decisions, dealing with stress and pressure. I would have to say part of the need stems from there, but there is also a large part of me that craves the way things were in a time long ago. Where men were men and treated as such, where women were treated with respect an decency. We have long ventured away from that way of thinking.
Even as I see others like me there are those who are hanging on so tightly to this ideas of what being submissive is and isn't. Like Polyamory, submission predates today's norms. However, it was not seen as a kink, or fetish it just was the way things were. It was common for one person to be at home in service to another. This person was usually the woman, and it was her duty to make sure everything was taken care of for the man of the house, and look after the children. She was expected to follow certain rules, and live by certain standards.
As year progressed we got away from this and entered every man, and woman for themselves. Traditional gender roles were eradicated women mirror men in a lot of ways and started to take offense to things that were normal for our grandmothers. After all how dare he tell me he's uncomfortable with the fact I have a dozen male friends. When I was young my grandmother told me "Once a woman is married she has no business making new male friends that aren't associated with her husband" When I asked her why she stated "You don't invite a fox into the hen house"
If you say this today you will find a great deal of women will disagree and start a rant about no one telling them they can't have friends. I understand the premise, its just not for me. When I thought about my relationships I often thought about my grandparents, and how they were married until death. If the way they did things back then is so wrong, why is the divorce rate higher now?
Please don't think I am judging anyone, I too was once a rebellious woman with a man trying to hold me down and I fought him every step of the way. Now we are divorced. I need to say its more so because he was abusive, and I would not relent to his abusive ways. I fought against is dominance that was not given or accepted by me. So for safety purposes I fought back.
Today, is a different day with a new me living in it. I know that I prefer a more traditional role based relationship. Where the man is the man and treated as such. I enjoy the freedom that comes with not having to make every decision on my own. I like having rules, and orders. I love that there is no sexual frustration in my relationship. I think that it is good for both of us to know it will just happen when Daddy and I thinks it necessary. I love that there are rules that demand we are loving and affectionate to each other.
I need to be submissive because it takes away so many worries. I feel safe and secure. I don't have to walk on eggshells wondering if I have broken a rule I don't know about. They are all written down for me. I know that if there is an issue we will talk about it. I love that he takes care of me and I take care of him. I feel wanted and needed, and while he his powerful in his own right it is me that has all the power. I need it to feel loved, wanted, safe, and secure.
There was an article that said couples that have trip/vacation sex have healthier relationships. I would have to agree. A few weeks ago we had storms and out of the clear blue Daddy says lets go to a hotel. So we did and it was a nice treat. We had the night to ourselves, and I took the next day off of work. We snuggled and watched TV. We obviously left the bed very dirty for the maids.
There was a mirror in the room which was in a bad position but still nice. However, I was in a rush so I did not pack any special toys, or play items. Which got me to thinking I would do a blog about being prepared and traveling. This is because at about the third round Daddy asked if I brought things and I did not.
So get a small zippered travel bag and fill it with your favorite small toys and lubricants. Don't forget to bring something to make you feel sexy. Lingerie is not as much for Daddy as it is for me. I just always feel better and more confident if I have something pretty on. Daddy always compliments me. Remember to relax and leave work, kids, school, life stress at home. Take time to really enjoy each other. Spring for the Jacuzzi tub. In most cases its not much more and well worth it especially for after care hot baths. Make sure you reconnect. Take a little bit to talk and just be with each other. Share a dessert, take a bath, or snuggle.
<3 Sally
Pain, we have all felt it. The absence of a parent, the rejection of a lover, the betrayal from a person who you thought you could trust. So in an effort to protect yourself you put up a wall. Every time someone hurts you they hand you a brick to add to the wall. Some of us are lucky to have a short wall that the right person will jump right over and take it with them. Maybe, your pain was enough to drop you, but not cripple you. So you get up and move on, and the next person hurls themselve over that wall with ease and you skip off into the sunset 🌅. Let's take a moment to wave to those 6 people.
For the rest of us, or for this blogs sake maybe just me. I was abandoned by my father, abused by my stepfather, given away by my mother, and then abuse some more by a lying, cheating, manipulating, womanizer. Therefore; I have erected the Great Wall. I built it with iron, I sealed it with ore. I was sure I was safe behind it and no one would every get in....safe....until you meet that person you want to let in.
I was very apprehensive to let someone in, Daddy demanded it more than he asked. It was, and continues to be a real struggle. Being nude in front of someone is a lot easier than being naked. Please believe it is not the same thing. If you're nude they're just looking at your body. If your naked you're vulnerable. They can see your weaknesses, play on your fears, and heaven help me gain trust. Trust is the most precious currency we have. It takes years to build and you can lose it all in a second.
I knew I had to be naked with Daddy. There were obstacles though every once in a while I was handed a few bricks to replace the ones I had taken down. However, relationships are work if you can't do the work then you don't belong in the relationship. So I had to get naked. I had to share my pain, my trauma, my past. I had to deal with some pain that Daddy had inflicted and move on. It is not easy, when you love someone so much and they hurt you to not group them in with the others. He is not like the others though and remembering that helped.
Many times we wonder how we can communicate with the people we love? When you have been burned so many times it's difficult to bring yourself near the fire. You have to you have no choice but to strip away all the armor, stand exposed, and trust that this time you have it right. You're going to have to make the decision to trust someone, and give them the ultimate power. The power to hurt you. I know it is terrifying, and not something that can be done on day one. The only way to have a healthy relationship is to get naked and let your partner see who you really are.
You can’t blame gravity for falling in love.
—Albert Einstein
I was blessed with one of those Aunts with a dirty mind, no filter, and a foul mouth. I hope to be this type of Aunt one day. Anyway, she was our go to for all the information we were not suppose to have as children. The first dildo I ever saw was on her night stand, there were hand cuffs on her bed. I remember thinking that's one way to get out of a ticket. My aunt spend a lot of time with us kids, and she was a wealth of information. I remember her telling my cousin and I after she had just been through a break up "It's alright he was just a fucker" and she meant in the literal sense. She continued to explain to us "there are a few types of men in this world, the ones that will fuck you, the ones that will make love to you, but the rare find is a man that can do both.
A few years later I am sitting on a roof looking at the stars with my best friend "Mike" who is trying to convince me that we should be each others firsts. All I can think though is "Is Mike a fucker" Now, don't get me wrong all of us enjoy a good fucking. However, I had no intentions of spending my life with a fucker, let alone giving up my v card for one. Kisses was all Mike got. We still are friends and I don't regret the choice. If I had to assign the title of the v card taker to anyone it would be #1, I was 19, he was nervous. It was over before it started. #1 was very timid and sensitive, I was adventurous. I would learn that this would be a bad combination.
Probably the 4th time getting busy I knew I needed something. He was very, painfully slow, soft, and gentle. Every-time, all the time. Now that I know better this would not have been considered making love. I think he was afraid to hurt me as there was a considerable difference in our sizes. To this day I am not sure though. So a few times in and I am thinking it would be nice to finally have an orgasm. After a long discussion with a friend we come to the conclusion I needed to give out some verbal prompts. Nothing to difficult. "Faster" and "harder" what could go wrong right? Well, apparently you can say it too much and someone will yell at you "I'm doing it as hard as I can" then leave you alone in a room while they go pout. I never felt anything during that relationship. Not even an orgasm.
#2 (suitably named) came along when I was 21. I would like to say I was drinking, but I've never been drunk so I have no excuse other than abused girls grow up to be women who are gluttons for punishment, and not the slap and tickle kind. #2 Was a fucker and not even a good one. To be fair, I am sure he had his own issues to deal with, but I never found out what they were. He did not like noise, it made him lose concentration. He did not like anything to wet, because he never got the memo that women are self lubricating. He did not want to do anything other than what he needed to do to get off. The one thing I new for sure is that he was incapable of being a real lover. I tolerated this for more than a decade.
I can remember thinking that I did not know what was worse. Being with a person I liked who loved me, or being with a person I could barley tolerate who fucks me. The answer was it didn't matter I didn't feel anything either way. Same with #1, the only way there were orgasms with #2 was if I did it myself. Time drug on, like the last 15 mins of the work week you keep looking at a clock that doesn't move. Over time #2 slowly whittled away at my confidence, my drive, my desire. Till we were two people who shared a space together. Quiet, never touching, screaming at, but never speaking to each other. Empty, alone, and worn down. I started to believe everything that was hammered into my head. It was me.
I was broken, or at least that's what #2 told me whenever we discussed the one sided sex that was taking place. Maybe I was, because I felt nothing. I had long resigned myself to stay because there were children involved. After all it was not their faults I was miserable. Now, I had made it to the youngest one being 15. I was at the point in my life where something needed to change because I could not live this life anymore. I calmly, told #2 I think this is over, we haven't been happy in years. However, I failed to see he was actually happy. Life was good for him I was the one that was miserable. He asked for another chance, and for what ever reason I granted it. I'm going to plead Catholic guilt for this one.
Then we took the "let's save this sinking ship vacation" I was alone most of the time. He was in the hotel. We were gone 10 days, he never touched me. Yes, I tried to encourage him. I was told I had lost too much weight, it made him sick to look at me. It was my fault he couldn't get hard. I just went and cried in the bath tub. I had been through a lot of changes and I had noticed emotions started breaking through. I felt worthless, unwanted, ugly, and lonely. It had been months since anyone had touched me. When we returned home, I was at a gas station being hit on by some random guy. All I could think was "I bet he would touch me, I bet he would take me in that truck and make me feel something" Ladies, and gentlemen I introduce you to a new emotion.......desperation.
I would like to say that I am a terrible person, that I said to Johnny truck driver "you want some of this" and the rest is history. No, #2 always had way more sex than I did. With my friends, my sister, his brother's wife, his best friend's wife, and co-workers (when he kept a job) So by my tally I had 471 free passes. However, I am not that girl. So I went home and said "I thought about banging a stranger today because you haven't touched me in 6 months" I was rewarded with huffing, pushing me down on the bed, and giving me 3 minutes of unprepared, painful sex. He then told me "there are you fucking happy, that should shut you up for a while, but I doubt it will keep you from being a whore."
It was fourth of July, there were no fire works. We fought, I said I was leaving. He asked for a chance, played the guilt card. Told me no one would want me. Pointed out all my flaws. I just admitted defeat and agreed to try which meant I just shut up while he kept doing what he was doing. More time passes and no touching. A person can starve from a lack of physical contact, but half ass pity contact does far more damage I assure you. I had enough, I left. This time I didn't go back.
I would like to say the greatest love of my life is my high school sweetheart. Because that story erases #1 and #2 and years of sadness. That is not the case though. However, in my mid 30's I made a new friend. I was in the middle of this life overhaul. I was taking better care of myself, I was starting to feel things. Because, of my past I went through life like an emotionless robot. Not feeling, was the best way to protect myself. I didn't want to settle this time though and I felt I needed to use my actual feelings this time to not just think, "yeah this will work" for once I actually wanted to feel something. Some people have a mid-life crisis. I had a mid-life awakening.
My friend and I talk nearly every night. I found it hard to believe there was another human in this world that understands what it like to be lonely, desperate, and affection starved. He is smart. He is funny. He is kind. He makes me feel good about myself. The whole time the demons in my mind are whispering: "He won't love you", "Wait till he sees you naked" "You're broken, nobody wants the broken thing". I was terrified. What if I am broken? What if I forget the fact that trusting anyone is impossible, the fact that I doubt the fact that anyone can love me, or that I am capable of love. What if I am broken, what if I disappoint him, what if I can't turn him on??
The what if's drove me crazy. I was convinced that I was defective. I could not remember a time where I was turned on by another person. Sure, I had a good sex drive. That had little to do with the fact that #1 and #2 had no ability to make me want it. I didn't blame them entirely. I was abused. Wanting sex made me feel bad, being shamed for wanting sex made me feel worse. At the same time I was not ever given the opportunity to work on me either. I wanted sex, I felt bad for wanting sex, I put myself in relationships where I would not derive pleasure from sex so I would not have to deal with the guilt. I know, it sounds crazy. Unless, you have been given the PTSD demon you won't understand what its like to want something so bad, and hate yourself for wanting it, liking it, enjoying it.
We keep talking, and he keeps encouraging me to come see him. And whats more is I want to see him. I have become addicted to our conversations like a junkie. I suddenly do not feel so alone, and when I get a text from him I smile like a fool. I am fighting this urge to be near him, to breath him in, and I just want to touch him. Finally, the day arrives that I summon the courage, I still don't know how. However, he has offered a hug, and it has been months since a person has touched me. So I go, and a hug turns into a kiss on the neck, which turns in to a teenager make out session. The first thing I notice is the electricity that is running through my body. I am feeling so many different things.
I would like to say that I was a wild sex vixen that night. However, the demons kept causing me to hesitate. There was no mistake, I wanted him.......BAD.....but that means he's going to touch me, he's going to see me naked, he's going to know I'm broken. Every time I get close these thoughts appear, and I hesitate. He just has the patience of a saint that night. He's being him kind, and loving. I am touching him and I am overwhelms at how good it feels to touch someone. I didn't know I needed it so bad, and he smelled so good.
I finally let go because I can't keep up with my body going crazy, and my mind finally goes blank. This is notably the first peace my mind has had in a while. We are in the bedroom, clothes are off, and my friend, the show off, decides its one of everything night. He is inside me and makes very quick work of my first orgasm not self given.....followed by another....and another......and another....and one more for good measure. All I can think is oh my god now I really broke it. I'm not sure what he was thinking. It was an intense night for both of us that's for sure.
A few months later we are together and for the first hour or so he is Daddy. He owns me, he commands my body to cum and it obliges time after time. He has let his demon out to play with me and I love every second of it. When it is over we are sweaty, out of breath, and dehydrated. Daddy and I have a bad habit.....each other.....we are one of those couples that makes you go "Awe" or "ugh" we are always touching. Kissing is our second language. It's also why we are habitually late, and perpetually side tracked.
He's kisses me and its like fire in my veins. He plants little kisses all over my face, my neck, my collar bone. He kisses the back of my hands, before he laces his fingers with mine and puts his other arm under my head and begins a steady, tortuous pace. He talks to me tells me how much he loves me, and he kisses me like it might be the last time he ever does. Part of me is terrified it might be. I am flooded with emotions because for the first time in my life someone is making love to me. I understand what my aunt was talking about. I cry like a baby because, I love him so much, because he loves me. I cry because I'm overwhelmed with emotions. Mostly, I cry because deep down I feel like I don't deserve him or his love.
This still happens from time to time the overwhelming emotion. I understand it better now, some people have loved before. I have not, not really. I cared about people I never felt like I couldn't live without someone until now. My Heart, My Daddy, My first and Only love. I still feel like I don't deserve you. You are perfect in every way. You love my jagged pieces, and never complain when you have to hold them together. I have a rare find and I know that. I am learning to accept my previous path of misery because it lead me to you. I have enough love and happiness to last me a lifetime. I Love you so so very much. Thank you for being you. My only Love <3
What a very special day for Daddy and I. The day that the collar Daddy picked out for me arrived from Scotland. Daddy was very particular on what he wanted and we found a metal working shop on etsy that made what he was looking for. He wanted a stainless steel, and a lock with keys. We found the perfect one. Now have many other "collars" I have my ring which signifies our unity, I have my necklace that Daddy had custom made for me. Which means I'm not going to run into another woman with one like it. An now I have a home/play collar. I was very excited when I got it. As Daddy placed the collar on me and locked it he said "You get this because you are a very naughty, good girl!" I was so very happy to be possessed by this wonderful man. He keeps the keys on his keychain. I never though a piece of steel and a lock would ever make me so happy. In case your wondering, I have posted a picture below. It doesn't do it justice I promise you. I look super sexy in it.
