I was blessed with one of those Aunts with a dirty mind, no filter, and a foul mouth. I hope to be this type of Aunt one day. Anyway, she was our go to for all the information we were not suppose to have as children. The first dildo I ever saw was on her night stand, there were hand cuffs on her bed. I remember thinking that's one way to get out of a ticket. My aunt spend a lot of time with us kids, and she was a wealth of information. I remember her telling my cousin and I after she had just been through a break up "It's alright he was just a fucker" and she meant in the literal sense. She continued to explain to us "there are a few types of men in this world, the ones that will fuck you, the ones that will make love to you, but the rare find is a man that can do both.You can’t blame gravity for falling in love.—Albert Einstein
A few years later I am sitting on a roof looking at the stars with my best friend "Mike" who is trying to convince me that we should be each others firsts. All I can think though is "Is Mike a fucker" Now, don't get me wrong all of us enjoy a good fucking. However, I had no intentions of spending my life with a fucker, let alone giving up my v card for one. Kisses was all Mike got. We still are friends and I don't regret the choice. If I had to assign the title of the v card taker to anyone it would be #1, I was 19, he was nervous. It was over before it started. #1 was very timid and sensitive, I was adventurous. I would learn that this would be a bad combination.
Probably the 4th time getting busy I knew I needed something. He was very, painfully slow, soft, and gentle. Every-time, all the time. Now that I know better this would not have been considered making love. I think he was afraid to hurt me as there was a considerable difference in our sizes. To this day I am not sure though. So a few times in and I am thinking it would be nice to finally have an orgasm. After a long discussion with a friend we come to the conclusion I needed to give out some verbal prompts. Nothing to difficult. "Faster" and "harder" what could go wrong right? Well, apparently you can say it too much and someone will yell at you "I'm doing it as hard as I can" then leave you alone in a room while they go pout. I never felt anything during that relationship. Not even an orgasm.
#2 (suitably named) came along when I was 21. I would like to say I was drinking, but I've never been drunk so I have no excuse other than abused girls grow up to be women who are gluttons for punishment, and not the slap and tickle kind. #2 Was a fucker and not even a good one. To be fair, I am sure he had his own issues to deal with, but I never found out what they were. He did not like noise, it made him lose concentration. He did not like anything to wet, because he never got the memo that women are self lubricating. He did not want to do anything other than what he needed to do to get off. The one thing I new for sure is that he was incapable of being a real lover. I tolerated this for more than a decade.
I can remember thinking that I did not know what was worse. Being with a person I liked who loved me, or being with a person I could barley tolerate who fucks me. The answer was it didn't matter I didn't feel anything either way. Same with #1, the only way there were orgasms with #2 was if I did it myself. Time drug on, like the last 15 mins of the work week you keep looking at a clock that doesn't move. Over time #2 slowly whittled away at my confidence, my drive, my desire. Till we were two people who shared a space together. Quiet, never touching, screaming at, but never speaking to each other. Empty, alone, and worn down. I started to believe everything that was hammered into my head. It was me.
I was broken, or at least that's what #2 told me whenever we discussed the one sided sex that was taking place. Maybe I was, because I felt nothing. I had long resigned myself to stay because there were children involved. After all it was not their faults I was miserable. Now, I had made it to the youngest one being 15. I was at the point in my life where something needed to change because I could not live this life anymore. I calmly, told #2 I think this is over, we haven't been happy in years. However, I failed to see he was actually happy. Life was good for him I was the one that was miserable. He asked for another chance, and for what ever reason I granted it. I'm going to plead Catholic guilt for this one.
Then we took the "let's save this sinking ship vacation" I was alone most of the time. He was in the hotel. We were gone 10 days, he never touched me. Yes, I tried to encourage him. I was told I had lost too much weight, it made him sick to look at me. It was my fault he couldn't get hard. I just went and cried in the bath tub. I had been through a lot of changes and I had noticed emotions started breaking through. I felt worthless, unwanted, ugly, and lonely. It had been months since anyone had touched me. When we returned home, I was at a gas station being hit on by some random guy. All I could think was "I bet he would touch me, I bet he would take me in that truck and make me feel something" Ladies, and gentlemen I introduce you to a new emotion.......desperation.
I would like to say that I am a terrible person, that I said to Johnny truck driver "you want some of this" and the rest is history. No, #2 always had way more sex than I did. With my friends, my sister, his brother's wife, his best friend's wife, and co-workers (when he kept a job) So by my tally I had 471 free passes. However, I am not that girl. So I went home and said "I thought about banging a stranger today because you haven't touched me in 6 months" I was rewarded with huffing, pushing me down on the bed, and giving me 3 minutes of unprepared, painful sex. He then told me "there are you fucking happy, that should shut you up for a while, but I doubt it will keep you from being a whore."
It was fourth of July, there were no fire works. We fought, I said I was leaving. He asked for a chance, played the guilt card. Told me no one would want me. Pointed out all my flaws. I just admitted defeat and agreed to try which meant I just shut up while he kept doing what he was doing. More time passes and no touching. A person can starve from a lack of physical contact, but half ass pity contact does far more damage I assure you. I had enough, I left. This time I didn't go back.
I would like to say the greatest love of my life is my high school sweetheart. Because that story erases #1 and #2 and years of sadness. That is not the case though. However, in my mid 30's I made a new friend. I was in the middle of this life overhaul. I was taking better care of myself, I was starting to feel things. Because, of my past I went through life like an emotionless robot. Not feeling, was the best way to protect myself. I didn't want to settle this time though and I felt I needed to use my actual feelings this time to not just think, "yeah this will work" for once I actually wanted to feel something. Some people have a mid-life crisis. I had a mid-life awakening.
My friend and I talk nearly every night. I found it hard to believe there was another human in this world that understands what it like to be lonely, desperate, and affection starved. He is smart. He is funny. He is kind. He makes me feel good about myself. The whole time the demons in my mind are whispering: "He won't love you", "Wait till he sees you naked" "You're broken, nobody wants the broken thing". I was terrified. What if I am broken? What if I forget the fact that trusting anyone is impossible, the fact that I doubt the fact that anyone can love me, or that I am capable of love. What if I am broken, what if I disappoint him, what if I can't turn him on??
The what if's drove me crazy. I was convinced that I was defective. I could not remember a time where I was turned on by another person. Sure, I had a good sex drive. That had little to do with the fact that #1 and #2 had no ability to make me want it. I didn't blame them entirely. I was abused. Wanting sex made me feel bad, being shamed for wanting sex made me feel worse. At the same time I was not ever given the opportunity to work on me either. I wanted sex, I felt bad for wanting sex, I put myself in relationships where I would not derive pleasure from sex so I would not have to deal with the guilt. I know, it sounds crazy. Unless, you have been given the PTSD demon you won't understand what its like to want something so bad, and hate yourself for wanting it, liking it, enjoying it.
We keep talking, and he keeps encouraging me to come see him. And whats more is I want to see him. I have become addicted to our conversations like a junkie. I suddenly do not feel so alone, and when I get a text from him I smile like a fool. I am fighting this urge to be near him, to breath him in, and I just want to touch him. Finally, the day arrives that I summon the courage, I still don't know how. However, he has offered a hug, and it has been months since a person has touched me. So I go, and a hug turns into a kiss on the neck, which turns in to a teenager make out session. The first thing I notice is the electricity that is running through my body. I am feeling so many different things.
I would like to say that I was a wild sex vixen that night. However, the demons kept causing me to hesitate. There was no mistake, I wanted him.......BAD.....but that means he's going to touch me, he's going to see me naked, he's going to know I'm broken. Every time I get close these thoughts appear, and I hesitate. He just has the patience of a saint that night. He's being him kind, and loving. I am touching him and I am overwhelms at how good it feels to touch someone. I didn't know I needed it so bad, and he smelled so good.
I finally let go because I can't keep up with my body going crazy, and my mind finally goes blank. This is notably the first peace my mind has had in a while. We are in the bedroom, clothes are off, and my friend, the show off, decides its one of everything night. He is inside me and makes very quick work of my first orgasm not self given.....followed by another....and another......and another....and one more for good measure. All I can think is oh my god now I really broke it. I'm not sure what he was thinking. It was an intense night for both of us that's for sure.
A few months later we are together and for the first hour or so he is Daddy. He owns me, he commands my body to cum and it obliges time after time. He has let his demon out to play with me and I love every second of it. When it is over we are sweaty, out of breath, and dehydrated. Daddy and I have a bad habit.....each other.....we are one of those couples that makes you go "Awe" or "ugh" we are always touching. Kissing is our second language. It's also why we are habitually late, and perpetually side tracked.
He's kisses me and its like fire in my veins. He plants little kisses all over my face, my neck, my collar bone. He kisses the back of my hands, before he laces his fingers with mine and puts his other arm under my head and begins a steady, tortuous pace. He talks to me tells me how much he loves me, and he kisses me like it might be the last time he ever does. Part of me is terrified it might be. I am flooded with emotions because for the first time in my life someone is making love to me. I understand what my aunt was talking about. I cry like a baby because, I love him so much, because he loves me. I cry because I'm overwhelmed with emotions. Mostly, I cry because deep down I feel like I don't deserve him or his love.
This still happens from time to time the overwhelming emotion. I understand it better now, some people have loved before. I have not, not really. I cared about people I never felt like I couldn't live without someone until now. My Heart, My Daddy, My first and Only love. I still feel like I don't deserve you. You are perfect in every way. You love my jagged pieces, and never complain when you have to hold them together. I have a rare find and I know that. I am learning to accept my previous path of misery because it lead me to you. I have enough love and happiness to last me a lifetime. I Love you so so very much. Thank you for being you. My only Love <3
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