In any relationship, including mine, there has to be a core sexual belief system. You have to agree on things like how often, how much, what you will try, what's off limits, and what's important. If you're having this conversation and are noticing right away there are big differences you need to be asking the question: Is there room to compromise? If the answer is no then you have already hit your first brick wall. Now, let me be clear I am not advocating the mass destruction of marriages/relationships where sex is an issue. I am saying as a collective group we do not ask these questions until it is too late and we end up wondering how to back out of a relationship without hurting anyone, or if we can struggle through.
What I can tell you is this I used to be of the mindset that "sex does not matter" not that I don't like sex. I do, a lot, but I was raised that it was not a priority just a pleasant relationship enhancer. No one ever explained intimacy to me, so it was years before I made that connection. My last relationship was 17 years. We were not sexually compatible, we were not even on the same planet as far a sex is concerned. He was very "get in, get off, get out" no extras, no kink, no intimacy, no cuddles, no variance in positions, no touching, just no.
I can give you some scientific facts here. The less you have sex the weaker your bond with your partner becomes. The weaker your bond, the easier it is for the relationship to crumble. It is a major piece of your relationship foundation. The same is true for kissing, touching, hand holding, or frequent sex without emotional connection. When lovers do not meet on the sexual playing field the first crack in their foundation occurs. When I was taking human sexuality in college my professor would say "A good sex life can make a bad relationship last years, a bad sex life will end a good relationship within months" So for me, I didn't know better. I was in a bad relationship, with bad sex for years.
So where did this lead me? To my very first sexual conversation in my life at 36 years old with Daddy. Who had a also had a mismatched partner the first time around. So we have had many conversations over what was important. In the beginning it was important to have the lights on as we were both condemned to dark only. It was important for Daddy to not have to "beg" and equally as important for me to be with a man who does not ask. Silence was not going to work for Daddy, and I was sick of being quiet. We both wanted to try new things but were very nervous about it.
At the core we agree and are the same, which made everything else sort of easy. I say sort of because I am leading to the next part of my blog which is time and effort. So lets say you have the conversation and you try things and your partner is moving at a speed that does not make you happy then what? Well, you be encouraging, and wait. Daddy did not just show up one day with his spanking hand warm and ready to go looking at me and saying "little needs a spanking". He didn't know he was a Daddy, I didn't know I was a little. We stumbled across it and we learned.
Before the life style our sex life was already phenomenal. We have always had a strong physical and emotional connection. However, in the beginning Daddy was not certain he could be the Dom, I was not certain I could submit. So we took our time and started slow. One thing as a time, then we talked about it after, assigned it a number value, and determined its standing in our lives. I cannot hammer communication home enough. If there was something we are working on the other is encouraging, but never pushy. We don't get frustrated with each-other.
This is important because a person will shut down if they receive a lot of sexual pressure. Unfortunately, we live in a instant gradification society where everyone wants everything now! We forget what a huge change this life style is for some. Some of us are ready to jump in both feet; some of need time to gather information, learn, process, and figure where we fit. This is what most of us struggle with. Because while there is a couple core, there is also the human core. What a person is or isn't when we strip away the layers.
In the beginning Daddy was just my love, and he thought he wanted me in control. I knew better. He had been long oppressed by all the women in is life and thought that is how we all were. That was what he knew. Years later, he knows he cannot be submissive. I thought I could never be submissive, I for too long had people reign over me with power they had taken, not earned. Today, I know my place is to submit. As most of us in the lifestyle we continue to learn, grow, evolve.
For the past couple years I have been building Daddy up. I continue to encourage him to assert his dominance. He has done well, there are things he had to do on his own time, like me he struggles with the play that might cause a marks, or is painful. In example, hair pulling he would start and stop himself. For me I am a feisty vixen I bite and scratch. Seeing the marks after make me feel bad so I restrain myself and he encourages.
Today, after he gave me his "come take care of Daddy" order he grabbed a fist full of hair and used his handle to guide me. Afterwards, he said how much he liked it and I was happy he finally got over the hurdle. My point is boys and girls it takes time. Especially, if this is something new, and out of ones comfort zone. Allow your partner the time to find their footing in this new world. Be supportive, talk to them, be encouraging, but don't expect them to move at your speed. It will be worth the wait I promise. Remember, it is your life style and what you are comfortable with. There is no mandatory handbook that must be followed to the letter.
Daddy, to me is a king among men. It is my job to help keep my king on his throne. It is your job to support you partner to grow as well, as long as your core is the same. You have to have some common ground to work on. Daddy has said it best, if the person your with does not meet your sexual needs, but is a wonderful person. Let them be wonderful for someone else. It's okay to want to have a strong sexual relationship with the person you love, and if that part of the relationship is not there but you stay just for the love that's okay too. We are often looking for answers from others, when most of the time we already have them but are to afraid to face the truth. I have posted a link below for the dominant/ submissive checklist. It is the best place to start and find a core to work from. <3 Sally
http://www.differentstrokes.co.za/store/img/cms/DSChecklist.pdf
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