A little anxiety

I can make decisions all day, in fact I do. My day is 10 fun filled hours of telling everyone what to do and how to do it. It's looking after others best interests. Sometimes it is life or death decisions.  I also have anxiety, and PTSD.  If you were the doctor that used to push my meds you would say that I fall in the severe, and at my worst I could hear through the fog "It's not likely she will function without medication"  I was a zombie, there are just chunks of time that I do not remember.  I knew there had to be a different way. Finding it proved difficult.  Submission has helped, tremendously. I don't have nightmares as often, I don't have panic attacks.  I still obsess over certain things that is a fact. Not having a plan, or not knowing what to expect causes me physical discomfort. If you have anxiety you know exactly what I am talking about. That ball of pressure in your chest that slowly consumes you. I struggle, I know I do.  I struggle sexually to anxiety and past trauma work well together to make you feel bad and dirty.  I can think about sex all day, I can come up with these plans, I can want it so bad I can't take it. When I am in that moment with Daddy, I freeze up, like a security system I cannot override. While I have done so much better with him, I mean leaps and bounds, it's still there.  Things I want to say get stuck in my throat, things I want to do fill me with shame.  This has nothing to do with want or desire.  Please believe I have never wanted anyone more. It's a preprogramming or someone hurting you and saying "tell me you want it" that connects wanting to the feelings of being wrong or dirty to want it.  Total shut down until I am in the moment, and even then it is a struggle to focus. The more stressed I am the worse it is. I need someone to push through that because without it I will clam right up. What I need is help over riding this feeling. Daddy helps with that. It's like he has this power to stop the obsession in it's tracks. It is so amazing to me that a command or motion can flip a switch in my brain and change the thought pattern. The thoughts seem to disappear and the focus become him. This is exactly what I need. When we first started looking into the lifestyle I never had any idea it would be so instrumental in helping me overcome something that has crippled me most of my life. I continue to take baby steps to over ride that security system. I believe that one day I'll have all my pieces back and will be able to not freeze up. I look forward to that day. :)