A little anxiety

I can make decisions all day, in fact I do. My day is 10 fun filled hours of telling everyone what to do and how to do it. It's looking after others best interests. Sometimes it is life or death decisions.  I also have anxiety, and PTSD.  If you were the doctor that used to push my meds you would say that I fall in the severe, and at my worst I could hear through the fog "It's not likely she will function without medication"  I was a zombie, there are just chunks of time that I do not remember.  I knew there had to be a different way. Finding it proved difficult.  Submission has helped, tremendously. I don't have nightmares as often, I don't have panic attacks.  I still obsess over certain things that is a fact. Not having a plan, or not knowing what to expect causes me physical discomfort. If you have anxiety you know exactly what I am talking about. That ball of pressure in your chest that slowly consumes you. I struggle, I know I do.  I struggle sexually to anxiety and past trauma work well together to make you feel bad and dirty.  I can think about sex all day, I can come up with these plans, I can want it so bad I can't take it. When I am in that moment with Daddy, I freeze up, like a security system I cannot override. While I have done so much better with him, I mean leaps and bounds, it's still there.  Things I want to say get stuck in my throat, things I want to do fill me with shame.  This has nothing to do with want or desire.  Please believe I have never wanted anyone more. It's a preprogramming or someone hurting you and saying "tell me you want it" that connects wanting to the feelings of being wrong or dirty to want it.  Total shut down until I am in the moment, and even then it is a struggle to focus. The more stressed I am the worse it is. I need someone to push through that because without it I will clam right up. What I need is help over riding this feeling. Daddy helps with that. It's like he has this power to stop the obsession in it's tracks. It is so amazing to me that a command or motion can flip a switch in my brain and change the thought pattern. The thoughts seem to disappear and the focus become him. This is exactly what I need. When we first started looking into the lifestyle I never had any idea it would be so instrumental in helping me overcome something that has crippled me most of my life. I continue to take baby steps to over ride that security system. I believe that one day I'll have all my pieces back and will be able to not freeze up. I look forward to that day. :)

Summer fun!

Happy July! Now that we are actually into some warm weather I can talk about some of my favorite outside activities.  As a typical middle I happen to be a little bit nymphet. I like typical teenager type activities music, camping, hiking, movies, going out for a burger and fries, and shopping for lacy panties.  😉 Daddy works very hard to make sure we are out and doing stuff. I get the worst cabin fever! So today I want to write about being naughty outside. I wouldn't exactly say I'm an exhibitionist, I don't want people openly watching me and giving me criticism. Simply because of all the things I am, I am still a woman and not always confident about my body.  I digress, I like the idea that people could possibly see.  It's really the idea more than knowing that does it for me.  The first excursion is always the back yard. I love the feeling of the grass under me. Most of the time I don't mind the bugs. Being spontaneous doesn't always all time for grabbing a blanket. I'm usually enjoying it too much to notice. Not into grass or dirt?   Never underestimate a quickie in the back seat of your car.  Our drive way is a long a pretty busy stretch of road, we have come home and climbed in the back seat.  Because Daddy is tall we had to open both doors, it was dusk. If someone was paying attention I am sure they would have caught on to what was going on in that back seat. For me that makes it a little more exciting.  It makes the orgasms a little better. If that still sounds a little too risqué for you maybe something a little more covered up?  The best out door activities always involve camping. The cover off the tent so you can see the stars and moon.  There is always a chance people could see you, but hearing you is more likely. That pales in comparison to the view from below.  Your senses are overloaded with the sights and sounds. Then you add the sexual aspect to it and there really isn't anything else like it.  You could always start with the cover on and windows open. Then progress from there when your feeling brave. You have to try what you are comfortable with in order to have fun, but don't forget pushing limits is fun as well.    

Fighting the urge to argue.

I get a lot of questions from other submissive on how to gracefully accept direction from your D-type.  I wish it was easy to answer that question. It is easier I'll admit if they are steady in their dominance. There is nothing worse than questioning the direction you have been given and seeing them throw their hands up in frustration.   I will take a second to point out the obvious submissive's are frustrating! Especially, littles/middles/ baby girls. We tend to be the needier and *cough cough* whinier of the s-types.  This means a lot of work and pressure on the part of a Daddy.  Sometimes we don't give them enough credit for not throwing their hands up and going vanilla. I digress, so how do you not argue? I want to add that I am not giving advice to blindly follow someone off a cliff, in the name of submission.  You are entitled to your opinion and no one agrees all the time.  So if you find yourself in the middle of being given direction and your thinking this (wo)man is got to be kidding me! I find the following tips help be reign in my bossy side and become more understanding.  First, remember you have chosen this person to receive the best gift you can give anyone, your submission.  There is a reason for that and it is because you trust and value their opinion.  You have to trust in the fact that what they are doing is in your best interest and will never make a choice that will hurt you or put you in any type of danger. Secondly, think, is it worth the battle? A trap a lot of brats find themselves in is arguing for the sake of doing so. I know a brat has got to be sassy, but you don't want it to become such a habit that your D-type wants to tap out. Third, and I find it to be the hardest fact to swallow especially for s-types in training. It is your duty to be submissive to your D-type.  Bottom-line his/her word should be final.
If you have concerns voice them in a respectful manner, and if there are topics that are off limits to others having a say outline that in your contract.  It won't always be easy, but it does get easier as you grow into your role.    

Just a Fantasy

It was innocent enough, I wanted to get a school girl outfit.  I was thinking slutty school girl, but Daddy had his own idea. Something more “Catholic” covered up virginal. The kinda outfit that makes you wonder is it plain white panties underneath or something a little more scandalous.  As I looked at the picture he sent me I couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like if I wore it.  Maybe I could take it away with us. I could convince Daddy play. As I looked at the green plaid dress I couldn’t help but think. This won’t do. I need a tie, and some knee high white socks, and maybe some Mary Janes. In my mind it looked perfect.
From there I thought of how it would play out. I would go to the bathroom and get ready, and once I looked perfect I would get into character.  I’ll be a high school student looking for a better grade on her test, because I don’t want to disappoint my parents with a lower GPA.  If I could just convince the professor to give me a better grade I’ll get into that college I dream of.  I know what he thinks when he looks at me “spoiled brat always trying to get her way”  but I have to try.
“Professor?”  He looks like he’s slightly annoyed. “What?” My heart is already speeding up he has a look on his face that would warn most people to stop.  I need that grade so I proceed. “I didn’t do as well on my test as I needed too....” “ maybe you should have spent more time studying and less time following boys around like a lost puppy”   He’s not going to make this easy. I gets closer to him, he smells good, he always smells good, it makes me want to press my face into his chest and breath him in. Focus.  I put my hands behind my back and switch my hips back and forth. “I know I didn’t study as much as I should have, but isn’t there something I can do? I have to get my GPA up, I’m hoping to get into an Ivy League college.”  He smiles slightly he walks towards me I step back until my back is against the wall. He leans in a puts his hand against the wall above my head. He leans in next to my face.  In his deep and authoritative voice he growled in my ear “your all the same aren’t you.  You came in here wiggling your ass expecting something from me. What makes you so special?  I’ve sent a dozen packing before you. Spoiled brats that can’t follow instructions, wasting my time.”  He backed away and looked at me. I was panting, and very turned on. I could feel how wet my panties are. I’m not sure if it was the fact that I was so turned on, or because I was curious but I looked at him as said “I’m not just a spoiled brat, and I can follow instruction try me!”
He looks me over, some how he appears taller and stronger.  “Come here!” I do as I’m told. He plays with a strand of my hair. He leans in and kisses me, and pulls away “good girl, now on your knees”  I do as I’m told.  He lifts my chin “look at me, you will address me as sir. You do as you’re told and I’ll give you a good grade do you understand?”  “Yes”  “Yes, what?”  “Yes, sir”  he steps back and unbuttons his pants and releases his firm erection. My mouth waters a little bit, I really hope that’s for me.  “Do you want this?” He asks with his dick firmly gripped in his hand. “Yes, sir” he steps towards me and grabs the back of my head. I eagerly take him in my mouth.  “Look at me he, I want to see those beautiful eyes” He says.  I obey and look up I run my tongue along his shaft, and work him over with my hand.  “Good girl” he whispers while rubbing the back of my head. I’m so turned on that I quicken my speed.  “That’s enough” and just a quick he has me on my feet. He turns me around and bends me over and lifts my skirt. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. He rubs my ass and plays with the edge of my panties “I like these I think I’ll let you keep them”  and with that he lands a firm slap on my ass “you do not control things in here I do, do you understand?”  “Yes, sir”  he lands another slap on my ass “you don’t decide when anyone cums, I do”  He reaches his other hand between my legs and makes small circles on my swollen clitoris. It’s almost too much and I start to squirm. He lands another smack and keeps rubbing. I feel like I’m going to explode and all at one he stops. “I didn’t say you can cum, on your knees” I do as I’m told he also kneels. He unbuttons my Top blouse buttons, and exposes my breast. He leans in and kisses my neck, he bites my shoulder the pain is welcome and sweet. He reaches down and rubs the outside of my panties and I press my very swollen and needy kitty into his hand. “No, not yet” he says.  He rolls me over, and lifts my skirt. He slides my panties to the side. He slowly sinks his thick hard dick inside me, and it’s nearly enough to send me over the edge. He doesn’t move “not yet, I want you to beg” he starts a sweet pounding motion. I am ready to beg immediately, but I try to hold out.  But he doesn’t get to win not that easy, so I meet his thrust. I can tell by the noises he makes that he appreciates my efforts.  Before I know it I feel a powerful orgasm building, but he feels it too and stops. “Naughty girl,you didn’t say please”  I whine in frustration, and he smacks my ass hard. “Don’t be a brat”  I am grinding against him he pulls my head back by my hair. “Tell me what you want!”  I ask, more like beg “I want to cum”  “what do you say?”  “Please, Sir May I cum?”  He loosens his grip on my hair “good girl”  he starts fucking me again. Almost instantaneously I feel my walls start to quiver and he feels it too. “That’s it, give it too me, be a good girl and give it up.” That’s all the encouragement I need I cry out in pleasure as a powerful orgasm rips through my body.  As I am coming down I can feel his thick cock pulsating inside me. He digs his finger into my hips as he empties himself inside me.  We crumble on the floor and between gasps I ask “do I get a “A” now?”
Seems like I’ve gotten a little carried away, I better go order that outfit. 😉


     

Wants/needs inventory.

Women are not easy. Men are not mind readers. Sometimes we as women make the mistake of thinking they know what we want. Until the day they are yelling at you “I don’t know what you want!”  So the best way to remedy that is to create a list of wants and needs. Self exploration, which will help him to understand me.  So here we go.

Need: to feel safe-  I like feeling like I have a protector.  I need someone to look out for me because I can be soft when it comes to those I love. People will take advantage of me if allowed. I need to know that when I’m with you I’m safe. I need to know you won’t hurt me.  I am strong only by appearances. In reality, I’m quite delicate.

Need: structure/order-  I have to make decisions all day, I struggle with uncertainty. I need structure set rules, expectations. I have a hard time with second guessing if I’m asking I am looking to you for help.  Even if that help is. “That’s okay with me” Making decisions actually causes me a great amount of anxiety.  Having order is a comfort to me.  At the same time I need reassurance, and to be pushed outside my box.  While I may occasionally question something.  Please see is as seeking clarification not challenging the decision.

Need: being loved, accepted, cherished. I need to know I’m loved. I need to know that I’m wanted  and accepted. I know I’m not easy to love.  I need to know that you can handle me, and won’t give up on me.

Need: guidance and direction. If left to my own device I will not do much but read. I need to be pushed to participate with people. Especially, having people over. It causes me stess but I need to do it.  I just need to know you’ll be there with me.

Need: intimacy.  I need to be touched, held, kissed and cuddled.

Need: to be understanded, and heard. Thoughts will drive me crazy if I don’t get them out I can’t function.  So times all I need is “I understand”

I don’t really want for much. Small simple things. Notes and messages. Play with me like you’re my best friend. Text me when you miss me. Stand close to me while we’re out.   I want to be the middle and I want Daddy that guides me well. I like that sort of thing.  It brings me comfort, it helps me avoid chaos.  I realize this is a simple list, but I’m a simple girl.

16 feet.

Long distance relationships have never been for me. I’m crawling out of my skin while I stare out the window into the dark.  16 feet....doesn’t seem like like much, but when you can see the person and not touch them, kiss them, hold them 16 feet is torture.  In the beginning we lived in different towns  and worked opposite schedules. The days without him where like going without air. I missed him terribly. At times I was lonely to the point of desperation. I was sad while I marked the days off without him. The beginning will always be some of the best and worst days of my life. Those days are behind us, or so I thought. Until I had radiation therapy, and I could not be within 16 feet of the person I love most in the world.  It was driving me crazy, and I’ll admit I lost it for a second. Looking at him from the other side of the house losing my shit I just needed to be held so bad.  He couldn’t come near me though it was two dangerous for him. There was nothing he could do but talk me down.  This is when you realize there has to be more to your relationship than sex. There has to be a strong enough bond that it  will carry you through the days apart, different towns, different schedules, and yes even radiation.  We happen to be very touchy, so I know the separation was hard on us both.  However, in that moment while I was on the verge of crazy, he was still able to comfort me. He was still able to talk to me and make me feel better. There was nothing but empty space and us.  He was still able to be my rock and I love him some much for it.  Distance isn’t anything but a temporary discomfort. What we have is much stronger than space and time.

When Daddy is away.

He can’t be with me all the time. I know that he has to work, he has to have a life too. My problem is always how much I miss him. I get to see him when I wake up, and before I go to bed. There is so much time in between. I have a habit of finding things that smell like him. I breathe him in and think about him to pass the time. My mind always wanders to us, to his voice, to his strong hands. The same thing always happens when I think about Daddy, I get incredibly excited. Being a good girl is very important too me so as a good girl I follow his rules.  If I’m turned on and he’s not home I have to take care of it.  I lick my fingers and slip them below the covers. I imagine he is there with me, I feel his breath on my skin. I think about him kissing my neck, and biting my shoulder. I can feel his hands on my hips. He kisses me and touches my face. Before I know it he has flipped me over. I imagine him sliding his thick dick inside me stretching me open.  I can feel the sweet ache. As I make small circles on my swollen clitoris, I think about him smacking my ass as he finds a sweet pounding rhythm. I can hear his voice willing me to the edge. I hear him say it the line that is always my undoing “cum for Daddy”  and that’s it I have a orgasm, not nearly as good as what he gives me, but I thank him just the same.  I snuggle in and try to get some sleep.

Where did you go.

How did we get all the way over here after months of silence?  It has been an adventurous few months to say the least and here I am to tell you about it.  Shortly after the wedding it was detected that I had cancer. This is a difficult thing for anyone to hear, but more so difficult when part of the treatment requires removing the organ that controls all your hormones. As a woman your identity is hormonal. Everything you are is controlled by hormones. I spent a lot of time worried about who I would be after the fact? When the take away the hormones that make my skin soft, when they cause my body to go haywire. Will I lose interest in sex. This was a big concern for me as I had spent the better part of two decades with no enjoyment of sex.  Here I was finally felling loved, wanted, sexy, and most importantly I felt desired. This made me confident, and made my husband irresistible.  What if I lose that all, what if I’m not enough? What if he doesn’t feel loved and pulls away from me?  I believe I fell into some what of a depression. Which put a slight damper on things.  I developed a lot of anxiety after the surgery especially as my body started to change.  Starting with what every woman hates weight gain. Needless to say I had to retire my size 10 jeans to the back of the closet and the size 12 teeter between too big, or doing the jiggle jump to get in them, sexy I know.  My confidence wasn’t there and if I’m off, he’s off.  So how do we do this? The first shift I noticed was the need to be loved more.  While I love playing with Daddy, sometimes I just craved my husband. While my hormones were crazy I found things that uses to excite me slightly annoying. I think it was a combination of chaos in my body and PTSD.  How do you explain that you need to be vanilla for a while without another person taking it personally? Oh dear.  However, I feel what happened is the lifestyle took a backseat to what we were dealing with. Which was probably for the best.  We needed to focus on my health, and then get back to us. So now we’re semi on the other side.  Where I’m at now is I really enjoy playing with Daddy.  I absolutely love when he is his complete dominant self. However, I still need my husband.  There are stills times that I get much more out of slow sweet love making than I do getting my ass slapped.  I am still crazy in love with this man and all that he is. I don’t quite have it all figured out. I still don’t feel like 100% myself.  I still worry about what the future brings.  I just feel that if I’m going to struggle I’m with the right man to do it with.  I’m hoping to get back into the swing of things soon.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.